Move Forward

The last post I wrote, I was going through something. ::sighs:: I'm better now. Stress and me worrying got the best of me.

School is approaching and I will be back at Howard. I'm ready. Currently looking for a place to live but I will get that situatated before classes begin.

I'm sure when I return, things will be different. I feel like I'm a loner. The majority of my followers on twitter are Howard University students and they all pretty much know each other, especially students within the same class. I don't really have a lot of people I can call friends there and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel left out and I've always felt that way, since high school. Everyone wants to belong, of course, but I just want to be included, thought of. I'm certain that I don't cross people's minds as someone to hang out with. I'm basically invisible on campus, in my opnion. It's too late for me to make new friends beause everyone is either 1) about to graduate or 2) already clique'd up.

I will focus on my school work, but when I want to hang out and release, I don't have much of a selection.

Green Grass

For the last... 2 years, I've been through a lot of ups and downs and it seems like they just keep on coming.

With anything I ever had, I had to bust my ass to get it.

My senior year of high school, I went through it without my family, worked hard to get good grades and to get accepted into the college of my dreams.

Since my second year of college, I've been doing my hardest to at least pass majority of my classes.

Last year, I went through the 1st half of my third year with little to no food, no money, trying to get by in my classes, crying 3-4 times a week.

I had no job for majority of this summer, so I was broke like a joke. My main thing this summer was to get a job and stack heavy so I could find a place to live off campus and not have to relive what I went through. I went HARD looking for a job and eventually, I found one.

I took the semseter off to get my money up and I did, but now I have no place to live and school starts on the 11th. So I have about less than 2 weeks to find a place to live.

Fuck it, people I know do have it better and way fucking easier than I have. I work so fucking hard and go through so much for EVERYTHING I have. Other people's lawns look way better than mine.

The only thing I want is to steadily get through life with minimal curveballs. I feel like I can't deal with this, but I have no choice but to.

What To Do?

I have a friend, who I love very dearly. When we first met we couldn't STAND each other, but as time progressed and we got to know each other, we became friends and then best friends. We hung out ALL the time, I attended numerous family functions, supported her with a lot of thing, we did a lot of things together.. I did something wrong and haven't apologized for it yet. Now there's tension between us and I don't want there to be. I still want to be best friends with her and I know I have to apologize to her. The type of person she is, it's "shoot first, ask questions later." I've put off this apology because of that and by doing so, I might have made matters worse. Now she's home for winter break and I really want to speak to her but I'm a hesitant. What should I do?



Sidenote: I know no one will answer me. I had to get it out.

What I Want

And to think, I was going to delete my blogspot. Psshhh, I'm buggin'. This is one of the only things I can come to when no one (wants to) listen. A real human being would be great, but I have no one around so blogspot, you'll have to do.

Sooooooo, I'm going back to D.C. at the top of the new year, which is no more than 2 weeks away. I want to see as much people as I can before I go and one of those people is my boyfriend, Kevin. You guys may remember him, the only dude I talk about here. Anyway, I've been in New York since May and we've spent the most time together since we've been a couple (as soon as we got together, I went off to college, leaving us in a long distance relationship). Each day we've spent together has been wonderful, but now that the time for me to leave draws close, our plans always seem to get fucked up. It makes me really upset because I believe that he should spend as much time with me as he can. He makes somewhat of an effort, but I want more. I want things to go my way. When we say we're gonna hang with each other, that's it, no interruptions, no wrench in the plans, no nothing; just me, you, and the plans we made. It seems to be easier said than done. The reason we probably won't be seeing each other later today is because of this side job he does periodically. You're getting some type of money, ok, I shouldn't knock you, but understand how that's making me feel. Understand that there has been something that has allowed us to not do what we planned since late November.

I believe that I am a very understanding girlfriend. I let him hang with his friends, I hold him down when he needs to be held down, I'm there for him when he needs and/or wants it, when shit doesn't go our way, I help come to a mutual agreement, but I'm tired of doing that. Why can't things happen the way I want them to happen?

I can't even get my thoughts together because I'm so flustered by what's happening. I want to scream, kick, curse, and cry. My emotions are getting the best of me (time of the month). I want what I want and that's it.

Birds of A Feather

This is not about what you may think it'll be about.

I've recently saw a tweet from Tyrese saying, "So ALL of these moves I'm making is surrounding myself with Billionaires and really successful people.. So that I BECOME THEM!! You ARE the company you KEEP.. You keeping fucking with Thousandaires that's all you will EVER BE..!! " (This is word for word, btw)

Which leads me to the purpose of my entry. I love music. I'm in school for journalism. So don't I hang out with people who have similar intersts as myself? What I got from that tweet was that, I need to surround myself with journalists, people who have similar goals as me. To fuel and encourage the "fire" inside of me, I should be working with people who have the same hunger as me, who are grinding to get what they want. Funny thing is, THOSE people have realized it already. I've noticed that most of the popular journalists on my campus hang around each other, they know each other, have worked with each other. See the common thread in this?

The other side to this : music. I can sing, I choose not to. But when I riff and harmonize and hit a note perfectly, it sounds ILL to me, I get excited. I know people who can BLOW, people who deserve recognition. When I get around my friends from H.S. and we go back and forth with singing and stuff, it's so carefree and child-like, in a way. Like you're doing something that you love to do and no one can tell you anything because you're so into it and they see what it gives you. Will I do something with my voice? Not sure. I do know that I would like to explore with it, but I have to build my confidence a bit more. I'm WAY better than I was a year or 2 ago, lol. The thing that makes me hesitant about it is that I don't want anyone to say "You can't sing," when deep down, I know I have a voice.

Feelings Pt.2

Ok, so I gave in and played the game, lol

But I didn't give many people a number to write about me; I wrote about people instead. I rather do that than read what people have to say about me. That's the humble part of me.

Feelings

Facebook has been getting people into they feelings lately, lol. Seriously.

This is like the 2nd game within a month where you have to tell someone how you feel about them. Do you really need that person's validation and do you really care THAT much about what the person thinks of you and has to say about you? If they wanted to tell you those things, they would've said it. Fuck a game, fuck a fad, fuck the bullshit.

Honestly, I don't participate in that fuckery because I could care less about what people think of me. You want to tell me how you feel about me, come out and say it. It's funny how people are like, "I don't care about what people think or say about me", yet, you do so much to be down and please others when you don't even know who YOU are.

Am I going in? I don't think so. In the end, I have to live with my decisions, my actions, myself. So you can say and think what you want about me, but I'm gonna do things for me. You confused about me, want some clarification on some things? I don't mind telling you, if you ask. But I'm definitely not going out of my way for you to express your feelings about me. It's lame.

Getting Back

The last post I wrote, it was around Thanskgiving. Got to see my family and I wasn't on the computer the whole time. I definitely needed that.

Ok, so, it's December and crunch time is approaching; finals, papers, projects. For me, it's back to school and I still have things to get together. One of the things I hate about being a procrastinator. I still got shit to sort out with school, I'm waiting to hear about the house I saw last month, I gotta rent a car to move my things from Delaware to D.C., register for classes, a lot of things. I feel a bit unprepared and overwhelemed ::sighs:: BUT, everything will work out. I fully believe that.

I do miss Howard, the people, the atmosphere and the events, but I don't miss the bullshit that comes along with it. I know when I go back, there will be some people I won't be hanging out with. Nothing personal, shit happens. I do miss being in school. While I was there, I lost sight of why I was there and that can happen. When I come back January 2011, I will have my mind right and will buss everything out. I know what needs to be done.

Yeah, I'm not graduating May 2011, I've finally come to terms with that (as long as that took). Everyone does things in their own time, at their own pace. At least I'm still in school and closer to graduation than some people. There are people that are still in college with freshman credits. Not knocking them, but hey, I got the leg up.

I'm ready; ready to come back, excell in school and get it together so I can get my career together.

Taking a break from some things.

I need to detach myself from the social world for a little bit to get my mind together.

I've been feeling out of it and this time with my family should help me get back into the normal swing of things.

Sometimes, you need to step back for a while to make sure you have yourself in tact.

Alone

No matter what anyone tells me, I'm a firm believer that I am alone. Not one person will be there for you when you need them, how you need them, at least not often. I had a conversation last night with someone who said I need to stop pushing them away and let them help me, but where was this person today? Dealing with their own issues.

I don't have a problem with that. I feel like if you want to help me take on my situations, you're going to have to be able to handle both your situations and mine.

Are there people that are there for me? Kind of. But sometimes you want someone that experienced what you're dealing with, rather than someone who understands from you telling them. There's only so much you can understand through expression.

I feel a little overwhelemed because I have a lot to do in a matter of 2 months and then it's back to my life in D.C.; that's a completely different type of being alone but I won't touch on that.

I should enjoy my time in New York and deal with these issues instead of letting them attack me from left and right. I know what I need to do. The only thing holding me back is my negativity and the past. But it's the past, it happened already. I have the power to not let it happen again. And where is negativity going to get me?

::Sighs:: Note to self: just do it

Can't Get What You Want

My family (and I) aren't close. I'm the closest to my mom and my siblings and that's about it. And in reality, that's all I need.

I'm staying with my grandmother while I'm here in NY and I have never met anyone so miserable in my life. I honestly feel that it makes her feel good to make people around her miserable. She's "nice" when she wants to be, but other times, she's always yelling, distant and judgemental. My mom and grandma don't have much of a relationship and I can understand why. I try to be nonexistant when she's around because I know she's going to do or say something to irritate me to the highest degree.

Sometimes, I wish I had a TV grandma, or at least the closest thing to one; she bakes cookies, she's the sweetest ol thing, she tells you old stories about "back in her day," she shows you a photo album of your mom and aunts and uncles, she hugs you all the time and you feel her warmth, her wisdom, her wordly knowledge, transferring to you.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I Don't Like This

I feel like I'm single and I don't like that feeling.

At the same time, I'm going to stand my ground and not give in. I will not be the first one to make the move, I always do that. I'm not going to be the one to break the silence and talk to you. You're the one who messed up, make the effort to fix it and I'll meet you half way.

He probably figures that he's giving me my space, but I never asked for that. I want you to bother me, to nag me until I'm ready to talk to you. I feel like he needs to put in work, not sit back and approach this when he's ready.

I'm tired of talking and sitting around, waiting for something to change. I've been patient long enough. I don't know how much of it I have left, to be honest. This shit is ridiculous.

Burnt Out

I'm tired of trying with you. After moments like this, I remain hopeful that things will change and you'll do something to get me back, but I'm usually proved wrong. I'm working with you on this and I need you to put in that same amount of work. You say you know what to do, you say that you understand. If you understand, why do you keep doing these things to me?

I'm numb to it all. I don't want this to happen again but I have the strongest feeling that it will. Maybe I shouldn't care about you as much. Maybe I should place every single thing before you. Maybe I shouldn't do anything for you, make you feel like you mean less to me.

I don't know what to do. I want to get this straight but I don't know how much patience I have left.

I want you to fight for me, to fight for me to believe that things will change, to fight and show me that you still feel the same way about me like when you first told me, "I love you." Make me put all my faith in you. Because doing it on my own gets me nowhere.

The funny thing is, I've said this plenty of times, but we're still at square one.

Random Ramble

It's hard to stick with something that you know can be great, but at it's current time, it's not enough to make you want to stick with it.

Not sure if that made sense.

I must be doing or did something wrong, karma coming back to me or something. I feel like I did something wrong. I know I can do better with certain things in my life but what; what am I doing to get the treatment I've been getting?

You can't know the answer to everything and that's one of my issues; I want to know the reason for everything the moment I ask why. Funny thing, I know that I won't get the answers when I want them, or even at all. Yet, I still demand them.

Out Of The Ordinary

I'm still feeling defeated at the fact that I'm not in school.

I like my job, get paid every week and I get along with all my coworkers. It's still taking me a while to get used to the fact that :

1 - I'm not in school

AND

2 - I won't be graduating in May 2011

I'm still confused about what I want to do with my life. Maybe this break will help me do that. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head about it, but what's done is done. I just have to work OD and stack this paper

I Understand

completely why people don't want to get into a relationship.

Your heart and emotions are thrown like caution to the wind. There's always a risk you're taking. Then as the relationship goes on, you see who someone truly is, how they act, all that stuff. You gotta deal with the bullshit they bring and their issues, along with yours. You have to "trust" and you have to "believe" their word and their actions. But when they don't follow through, on more than one occassion, that "trust" and "belief" begins to slowly fade away. And then what? This shit is not easy, at all. It only gets harder as the months and years pass by. When you get to 2, 3, 4 years, you wonder if this relationship was beneficial or detrimental to you as a whole.

Too many things to think about and take into consideration.

Time

I hate wasting time, especially when it can be used valuably.

I just started my job so I'll have maybe 2, 3 days off at the most. I know that when Kevin starts school and his job, then we really won't have any time to spend with each other. We usually hang out at his house and I have no problem with that. But when his mom is home from work, I know that we can't spend time together.

MY thing is, why does that have to determine if we see each other or not? There are other things that we can do, but because your mom isn't home, we have to suffer.

He says, "Be positive. Know that things will get better." How am I supposed to know that when shit like this keeps happening? I know that when he goes back to school and works, that it's going to be even harder to spend time with each other as it is.

3 Years Ago

I met the love of my life and 3 years ago today, I made it official with him. I remember like it was yesterday....

It was the day before the first day of classes and we were talking on the phone in my new dorm room. We were just talking about each other and where we want to take this and he asked me, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I was kind of surprised. A couple of minutes later, I replied, "Yes" and that's when our story began.

We've been through some ups and some downs; in the relationship and in our personal lives and through it all, we still stayed together, held each other down and helped one another get through it.

I really couldn't ask for anything (or anyone) else. So Happy 3 year anniversary to Kevin & I !

The first picture we took together : September 2007, Labor Day weekend

Chillin at a mutual friend's house, being silly : June 2008

I threw him a surprise kickback for his birthday : June 2009

Took me out for my 21st birthday at our fav spot, lol : May 2010

First Day Of Clases...Wait...What?

So today is the first day of classes at Howard University and I follow quite a few of their students. At this moment right now, I won't front, I'm a bit sick about it, lol. I'm seeing tweets like:

"It's the beginning to an end"

"S/O to #2011"

"We almost out of here"

And even though I am happy for the people that are ACTUALLY seniors and that will ACTUALLY graduate, there's something inside of me that feels like a failure. I'm here in New York, working while my peers are in D.C., on the road to graduation. People go at their own pace, I know, but it's taking me a while to accept it.

I wonder if people will wonder why I'm not there. Not that I care, but I already have the idea in my head about the people I used to be cool with and I'm pretty sure they won't even notice. If they ask me about my whereabouts, they're getting straight ignored, because they never gave a damn before, so why the hell you trying to be concerned now? Yall just being nosy, at this point and I won't give them the satisfation.

My new expected graduation date is 2012. As long as I graduate, right?

Switch It Up

Since my last post, things have been looking up.

Kevin and I haven't fought. It's been almost a week since our last fight and we're good, back to normal, I would say.

I've been going IN on the job search; 47 jobs in 4 days. I know, I don't play, lol. Had a couple of interviews and I start training for one job on Saturday so, YAY HOORAY YIPPEE for me! lol. Depending on how demanding this job will be, I'll most likely look for another job in a couple weeks.

I feel more like myself and I'm trying not to stress myself out by overthinking things; I try to think of how blessed I am as opposed to what I don't have. Things should be good from here on out.

I haven't been this consistantly unhappy since probably junior high school when I was going through some personal stuff. It was kind of a dark time for me then.

Today's weather depicts me quite perfectly.

Rain = tears

Grey skies = how I feel inside

Changes

So, I'm highly considering taking off a semester of school. Well, I'm going to do it, I already made that decision. I have NO money for a place to live and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so, so I believe my best bet is to take off school. I'm currently searching high and low for a job that I can work for my time in NY. Starting today, I'm going to apply to jobs every single day. I'm giving myself til mid-September and then if things don't go according to plan, I'm going to go to Delaware. I think it's the best choice for me right now.

I haven't told Kevin what I'm going to do and I'm not sure if I will. I don't know, we've been up and down a lot lately and I'm not sure how my decision will affect him. I don't want him to lose focus of school and possible work because I'm home longer than usual. If he knew I was home and I didn't tell him, he would probably get mad. It's already an issue that we hardly see each other, but when I work and he has school and work, it'll most likely put more of a strain on our relationship.

I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be comfortable living my life and I'm not. I'm trying very hard to build my patience and positivity. I hope it's working and being noticed.

What's The Point

in being in a relationship when I feel like I'm single?

Guys come up to me and approach me and I do the right thing, I tell them, "No, I'm in a relationship, I don't want you're number, I'm not interested." I could lie and be like, "I'm single" or, "Yeah, I have a boyfriend but we could chill." I could be a sheisty ass chick with it, but NO, I respect Kevin and my relationship and I don't see the point in cheating or hurting him. But what about me? You don't even have time for me, so why not find someone else that does?

I Miss

the hugs. the random kisses. him slipping his arm around my waist while we're walking. his laugh. his smile. holding his hand. him holding me from behind. him telling me he loves me first. HIM.

::sighs:: I hate being mushy and emotional sometimes but that's just who I am.

Supposed to hang out tomorrow, like we were supposed to on Tuesday. If all the things listed above happens, it'll solidify my reassurance. I need that old thing back or at least the closest thing to it.

Feeling Like

I'm in a long distance relationship when we're in the same state, same city, 30-45 minutes away from each other on foot.

I haven't seen him in a week and the week before that I haven't seen him in a week.

Listening to "The Element of Freedom" by Alicia Keys and it's mostly about love. I can relate to pretty much every song. But what I'm trying to understand is, is she saying that love is equated to freedom? When it's so true, so pure, so selfless, is that the same as being free? In a way, I agree, if that's the message she's trying to put out. But when things get in the way, love can make you feel like a prisoner in a number of ways. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings, binding you to that one person. Love is beautiful but ugly at the same time.

And what's funny is that I'm starting to realize and experience both sides of it.

Question

Why is it possible to feel lonely in a relationship?

and

What do you do to fix that?

I know I won't get any answers because no one reads this, but I want to put it out there. When it's true love, it's two souls joined together as one but latley I've been feeling like it's just me.

I Was Thinking

and I'm too careful, too cautious, too thoughtful.

I'm about to put some things on the back burner, seeing as what I'm putting into it, I'm not getting out the same amount. So my family, career, school, work, that's going into the forefront. Everything/one else is going to the back. Nobody and nothing can fulfill me or make me feel some type of complete like those 4 things I listed.

I'm going to do things for me. Not me and such and such, just ME. I don't have a child, I don't have to provide for them and ensure that they're taken care of properly. I don't have a husband. I don't have anyone to share my life with right now. I don't have people depending on me, but myself and I come first.

Random Rant

Life.

We question it constantly. We don't just live, we have to know the answer to everything, the purpose for this, the reason for that. I hold myself accountable of doing that.

What's life without pain? Struggle? Making mistakes? Would that even be classified as such?

I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone, in everything I do. I know, life is hard, some have it harder than others. But for me, I don't want to go through this anymore. But I feel like I have to, if I want to continue "living."

It's kind of hard to live a completly different way from what you're used to; just let things happen as opposed to trying to control all the aspects of your life.

I'm kind of on a rant. I'm trying to see the silver lining in it all.

C.R.E.A.M.

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M. Get the money, dolla, dolla bills y'all" - Wu-Tang Clan

I try my very hardest to not let money rule or run my life. Lets face it, you need money to survive. I know that.

Currently, I'm out of a job and I've been coping with it ok. Of course it gets annoying and irritating when you can't go anywhere, let alone buy food for yourself when you're hungry but I deal. The one thing that peeves me though is that people aren't mindful or sensitive to my situation. People want me to go out with them, people want me to partake in events with them, people want me to get a cell phone.

I want to do all of that too, but I can't at the time. If you want me to do these things so much, THEN GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY FOR IT. If not, shut the fuck up.

That is all

What To Do

We ended the break on Thursday.

We were cool until yesterday evening.

We got into another fight.

It transpired into today (right now).

I've come to the conclusion that expressing how I feel, telling him what bothers me and pouring my heart out to him only causes us more fights.

So I've decided to go into regression and hold EVERYTHING in, not tell him how I feel and do whatever he says.

Lets see if it works.

Emotions

When it comes to my feelings/emotions, I'm so bi-polar. Up and down, like a roller coaster.

I feel like the dude now. Sitting here, wishing to get that old thing back, wanting to do everything in my power to make things right again.

I'll be honest, I don't know exactly what I want right now. The things I've been doing is on impulse, I guess you can say.

We definitely need to talk. But I think we need this break; to think and take a breather.

I feel so lonely right now. Maybe I deserve to feel this way.

For A Week

Me and HIM are on a break for a week. We got into an argument on Sunday and it has started since then. I won't front, I miss him, but I'm not sure how he feels. Maybe he feels free, no ties to him so he can move how he wants, do what he wants. I can't get mad at anything that goes down because we're not together at this point and time. When I called my mom yesterday morning, she said I sounded depressed. I think it was because of the break and other thigns that were happening at the moment. I woke up today and felt the same as I did on Monday. Do I feel this way because I know we're not together (as a couple)? Maybe because I feel incomplete/lonely. I haven't been single in about 3 years so this a fairly new feeling. I do wonder what he's doing on my free time.



I called my crush last night and we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. We're supposed to be linking up either Thursday or Friday. I like him, but it's to the point where I want to know more about him. I honestly don't know what he thinks of me. I get the feeling that he's digging the idea of me but I'ld like to hear him tell me.



I told him that I'll hit him up next week. I signed off AIM, being that I stayed on to speak to him. Deep down, I want him to try to contact me and show me that he wants me as much as he says he does. The type of person I am, you have to show AND prove to me what you're saying. Your words can only get you so far, but when the action follows through, you got me. I don't know. Knowing Kevin, he's gonna give me my space. Yes, give me my space, but don't act like you don't care. Do I make any sense? I hit him up yesterday to see if he was ok from a tweet he made. I'm showing I care but falling back at the same time. I'm in the middle right now. I'm thinking if I still want to be in a relationship with him or do I want to break up for good.

Quick Vent

Imma vent a lil bit. Can't tweet, got twitter watchers, lol. And no one really reads the blog, so yes! sanctuary, lol. Nothing serious, just a lil something.

Today is this boy's birthday and I guess his ex tweeted a birthday tweet and he was like, "Awww, don't be like that, big thanks, you know I appreciate it." Nigga what? The fuck you appreciating? Now me, I have to do certain things to not feel jealous, like make new friends. This is not out of spite. I'm trying this new thing, where I don't get mad so easily and take everything to the heart and for that to happen, I have to occupy myself and my mind. If I'm occupied, I wont have the time to think about lil fuckery like that.

I'm good though.

Fight #

5

-_-

Take A Break

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years and I have been getting into a lot of fights lately. I think we've gotten into about 3-5 fights since I've been home and I've been home since May 11. He asked me if I want a break maybe 3 times from those fights and I tell him I want to be with him, but after this fight we just got into, I'm starting to really think, "Maybe we should take a break."

I'm looking at other guys, crushing on a couple. But you shouldn't end a relationship based off of a crush, I'm not dumb. But I'm thinking about my career and I don't want to be held back by a relationship. 

I also think about the other fish in the sea. I know there's a whole school of fish out there. I have a good guy who could be great, but what if there's better out there for me?

My mind is all over the place. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this and how I'm feeling because no one I know is in a relationship as deep as mine. Well, now that I'm thinking, I do have one person. I guess I should call her up. I know I have to express this to someone else, especially someone who's in a relationship.

::sighs::

My Life

has been no walk in the park as of late August.

I really don't know how I live with myself. I don't know how I wake up in the morning everyday and continue to live; continue to carry on.

I'm starting to think that I am depressed.

I'm thinking about transferring from Howard, but will it help?

It would be so easy to run away from your problems. I know that deep down, this is only a minor issue. I've only been alive for 20 years, there will be more to come. More struggle, more hurt, more pain, more inner turmoil.

Yet, I still believe that things will be okay, despite how dark I feel. Weird.

Summer of 2007

I recently graduated in June and was about to become a freshmen at Howard University. I was back and forth between staying at my grandma and my aunt's house (they live 3 blocks away). I had to get my fun in before I went off to DC for school. Parties with my best friends Adrianna & Whitney, working at McDonald's, hanging There were a couple of albums that will always take me back to that great summer:

Shock Value - Timbaland

Back To Black - Amy Winehouse

Luvanmusiq - Musiq Soulchild

And last but not least...

Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna (The album that catapulted her into stardom)

The soundtrack to summer 2007. I definitely have one song from each album that resonantes with me. Music defintely runs my life, lol, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Home

"Home is where the heart is" and my heart is in Brooklyn. I can't fucking wait to come home next Friday, lol. That's all I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. It's OVER, all the food spots gettin ran through:

-Family Pizza by Kev house
-3Ds by my granny fi di BOMB oxtail
-Fisherman's Cove to get some goodas jerk chicken
-Popeyes (There's none close in DC)
-This Jamaican bakery on Flatbush for some chicken patties
-Wendys

I think that's it, with my craving self, lol. I just need some culture in my life. I haven't been home since August when I left to go to school and the boo is making it all happen by buying my bus ticket home. I gotta go see my family too (Granny, my 2 aunts and my godmother). Yeah, it's about to be a busy trip but it will be a good one. Plus I get to see Kevin! lol, haven't seen him since he came to DC in mid-December.

So excited! lol

Alone

Sidenote: Changed the layout. Kinda dark, but the shit pops.

Whenever something goes "wrong" in my life, I seclude myself and truly know that I'm all by myself. But like my mom usually says, "You were born alone, you'll die alone." Yet, she recently told me that she doesn't like that I'm by myself so often; told me I act like an old woman and I should act like a young woman and go out and shit.

I'm just bout to say fuck it. Fuck everyone, fuck this. Imma keep my mind on 2 things: school and work. Aint nobody out here gonna do shit for me but my damn self so fuck yall. I only have myself and that's how it's been for so long. I got through this thing called life for 20 years now with not much help and Imma keep living this shit the same way.

People act real funny style and people are really for self. I understand you got your life, but I do too much for people to get nothing in return. Imma keep doing it though because what you put out is what you get and Imma gets mines in the biggest way, I know it.

Nowhere

Where am I going? Nowhere

As soon as I get some glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, it's gets longer and longer and darker and darker. I want to give up so bad but I know I can't. I'm doing this for me, no one else. I know at the end of the day, I'll look back and be so fucking proud of myself because I've been through so much.

I don't even have the luxury of having my parents, at least my own family to help me.

I'm fucking done with the tears, I'm so fucking done. I woulda have thought my tear ducts would have dried up by now with all my crying.

I need help, I'll admit it, finally. I'm a proud person and I'm admitting this. But who can help me?

New Year, New Start

You definitely don't have to wait until a new year to have a new start, but why not? lol

I'm nervous to start this semester. I haven't felt this way about classes since Fall 07 when I was a freshman, lol. I got alot going on, a lot to ride and I'm just going to keep it positive. I also hope I get a refund check, oooooohhh WEE, that would be a treat, lol. I wouldn't even use it on myself though, I would get books and pay off my phone bill with it. But still, it would go to good use.

I came up with an idea for Kevin's birthday, lol. It's in June but I do need all that time to prepare. I'm not even gonna unravel it for yall, I gotta keep it a secret, lol. But each year, I do it bigger. For his 20th, I bought him his favorite, an ice cream cake, I took him out to dinner and I treated him to a movie. For his 21st, I threw him a surprise get together. For the 22nd, use your imagination, lol.

I'm feeling cool, just taking everything one day at a time. That's the most I can do :)

Too Through

Talking to my best male friend

Pillow wet from my tears

"Nobody Not Really" by Alicia Keys

"Still Hungry" by Sam Sparrow

Both on repeat

"I'm not ungrateful, I just want more from the life I lead"