Friday, December 24, 2010
School is approaching and I will be back at Howard. I'm ready. Currently looking for a place to live but I will get that situatated before classes begin.
I'm sure when I return, things will be different. I feel like I'm a loner. The majority of my followers on twitter are Howard University students and they all pretty much know each other, especially students within the same class. I don't really have a lot of people I can call friends there and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel left out and I've always felt that way, since high school. Everyone wants to belong, of course, but I just want to be included, thought of. I'm certain that I don't cross people's minds as someone to hang out with. I'm basically invisible on campus, in my opnion. It's too late for me to make new friends beause everyone is either 1) about to graduate or 2) already clique'd up.
I will focus on my school work, but when I want to hang out and release, I don't have much of a selection.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
With anything I ever had, I had to bust my ass to get it.
My senior year of high school, I went through it without my family, worked hard to get good grades and to get accepted into the college of my dreams.
Since my second year of college, I've been doing my hardest to at least pass majority of my classes.
Last year, I went through the 1st half of my third year with little to no food, no money, trying to get by in my classes, crying 3-4 times a week.
I had no job for majority of this summer, so I was broke like a joke. My main thing this summer was to get a job and stack heavy so I could find a place to live off campus and not have to relive what I went through. I went HARD looking for a job and eventually, I found one.
I took the semseter off to get my money up and I did, but now I have no place to live and school starts on the 11th. So I have about less than 2 weeks to find a place to live.
Fuck it, people I know do have it better and way fucking easier than I have. I work so fucking hard and go through so much for EVERYTHING I have. Other people's lawns look way better than mine.
The only thing I want is to steadily get through life with minimal curveballs. I feel like I can't deal with this, but I have no choice but to.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sidenote: I know no one will answer me. I had to get it out.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sooooooo, I'm going back to D.C. at the top of the new year, which is no more than 2 weeks away. I want to see as much people as I can before I go and one of those people is my boyfriend, Kevin. You guys may remember him, the only dude I talk about here. Anyway, I've been in New York since May and we've spent the most time together since we've been a couple (as soon as we got together, I went off to college, leaving us in a long distance relationship). Each day we've spent together has been wonderful, but now that the time for me to leave draws close, our plans always seem to get fucked up. It makes me really upset because I believe that he should spend as much time with me as he can. He makes somewhat of an effort, but I want more. I want things to go my way. When we say we're gonna hang with each other, that's it, no interruptions, no wrench in the plans, no nothing; just me, you, and the plans we made. It seems to be easier said than done. The reason we probably won't be seeing each other later today is because of this side job he does periodically. You're getting some type of money, ok, I shouldn't knock you, but understand how that's making me feel. Understand that there has been something that has allowed us to not do what we planned since late November.
I believe that I am a very understanding girlfriend. I let him hang with his friends, I hold him down when he needs to be held down, I'm there for him when he needs and/or wants it, when shit doesn't go our way, I help come to a mutual agreement, but I'm tired of doing that. Why can't things happen the way I want them to happen?
I can't even get my thoughts together because I'm so flustered by what's happening. I want to scream, kick, curse, and cry. My emotions are getting the best of me (time of the month). I want what I want and that's it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I've recently saw a tweet from Tyrese saying, "So ALL of these moves I'm making is surrounding myself with Billionaires and really successful people.. So that I BECOME THEM!! You ARE the company you KEEP.. You keeping fucking with Thousandaires that's all you will EVER BE..!! " (This is word for word, btw)
Which leads me to the purpose of my entry. I love music. I'm in school for journalism. So don't I hang out with people who have similar intersts as myself? What I got from that tweet was that, I need to surround myself with journalists, people who have similar goals as me. To fuel and encourage the "fire" inside of me, I should be working with people who have the same hunger as me, who are grinding to get what they want. Funny thing is, THOSE people have realized it already. I've noticed that most of the popular journalists on my campus hang around each other, they know each other, have worked with each other. See the common thread in this?
The other side to this : music. I can sing, I choose not to. But when I riff and harmonize and hit a note perfectly, it sounds ILL to me, I get excited. I know people who can BLOW, people who deserve recognition. When I get around my friends from H.S. and we go back and forth with singing and stuff, it's so carefree and child-like, in a way. Like you're doing something that you love to do and no one can tell you anything because you're so into it and they see what it gives you. Will I do something with my voice? Not sure. I do know that I would like to explore with it, but I have to build my confidence a bit more. I'm WAY better than I was a year or 2 ago, lol. The thing that makes me hesitant about it is that I don't want anyone to say "You can't sing," when deep down, I know I have a voice.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
This is like the 2nd game within a month where you have to tell someone how you feel about them. Do you really need that person's validation and do you really care THAT much about what the person thinks of you and has to say about you? If they wanted to tell you those things, they would've said it. Fuck a game, fuck a fad, fuck the bullshit.
Honestly, I don't participate in that fuckery because I could care less about what people think of me. You want to tell me how you feel about me, come out and say it. It's funny how people are like, "I don't care about what people think or say about me", yet, you do so much to be down and please others when you don't even know who YOU are.
Am I going in? I don't think so. In the end, I have to live with my decisions, my actions, myself. So you can say and think what you want about me, but I'm gonna do things for me. You confused about me, want some clarification on some things? I don't mind telling you, if you ask. But I'm definitely not going out of my way for you to express your feelings about me. It's lame.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ok, so, it's December and crunch time is approaching; finals, papers, projects. For me, it's back to school and I still have things to get together. One of the things I hate about being a procrastinator. I still got shit to sort out with school, I'm waiting to hear about the house I saw last month, I gotta rent a car to move my things from Delaware to D.C., register for classes, a lot of things. I feel a bit unprepared and overwhelemed ::sighs:: BUT, everything will work out. I fully believe that.
I do miss Howard, the people, the atmosphere and the events, but I don't miss the bullshit that comes along with it. I know when I go back, there will be some people I won't be hanging out with. Nothing personal, shit happens. I do miss being in school. While I was there, I lost sight of why I was there and that can happen. When I come back January 2011, I will have my mind right and will buss everything out. I know what needs to be done.
Yeah, I'm not graduating May 2011, I've finally come to terms with that (as long as that took). Everyone does things in their own time, at their own pace. At least I'm still in school and closer to graduation than some people. There are people that are still in college with freshman credits. Not knocking them, but hey, I got the leg up.
I'm ready; ready to come back, excell in school and get it together so I can get my career together.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I need to detach myself from the social world for a little bit to get my mind together.
I've been feeling out of it and this time with my family should help me get back into the normal swing of things.
Sometimes, you need to step back for a while to make sure you have yourself in tact.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I don't have a problem with that. I feel like if you want to help me take on my situations, you're going to have to be able to handle both your situations and mine.
Are there people that are there for me? Kind of. But sometimes you want someone that experienced what you're dealing with, rather than someone who understands from you telling them. There's only so much you can understand through expression.
I feel a little overwhelemed because I have a lot to do in a matter of 2 months and then it's back to my life in D.C.; that's a completely different type of being alone but I won't touch on that.
I should enjoy my time in New York and deal with these issues instead of letting them attack me from left and right. I know what I need to do. The only thing holding me back is my negativity and the past. But it's the past, it happened already. I have the power to not let it happen again. And where is negativity going to get me?
::Sighs:: Note to self: just do it
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I'm staying with my grandmother while I'm here in NY and I have never met anyone so miserable in my life. I honestly feel that it makes her feel good to make people around her miserable. She's "nice" when she wants to be, but other times, she's always yelling, distant and judgemental. My mom and grandma don't have much of a relationship and I can understand why. I try to be nonexistant when she's around because I know she's going to do or say something to irritate me to the highest degree.
Sometimes, I wish I had a TV grandma, or at least the closest thing to one; she bakes cookies, she's the sweetest ol thing, she tells you old stories about "back in her day," she shows you a photo album of your mom and aunts and uncles, she hugs you all the time and you feel her warmth, her wisdom, her wordly knowledge, transferring to you.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
At the same time, I'm going to stand my ground and not give in. I will not be the first one to make the move, I always do that. I'm not going to be the one to break the silence and talk to you. You're the one who messed up, make the effort to fix it and I'll meet you half way.
He probably figures that he's giving me my space, but I never asked for that. I want you to bother me, to nag me until I'm ready to talk to you. I feel like he needs to put in work, not sit back and approach this when he's ready.
I'm tired of talking and sitting around, waiting for something to change. I've been patient long enough. I don't know how much of it I have left, to be honest. This shit is ridiculous.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I'm numb to it all. I don't want this to happen again but I have the strongest feeling that it will. Maybe I shouldn't care about you as much. Maybe I should place every single thing before you. Maybe I shouldn't do anything for you, make you feel like you mean less to me.
I don't know what to do. I want to get this straight but I don't know how much patience I have left.
I want you to fight for me, to fight for me to believe that things will change, to fight and show me that you still feel the same way about me like when you first told me, "I love you." Make me put all my faith in you. Because doing it on my own gets me nowhere.
The funny thing is, I've said this plenty of times, but we're still at square one.
Not sure if that made sense.
I must be doing or did something wrong, karma coming back to me or something. I feel like I did something wrong. I know I can do better with certain things in my life but what; what am I doing to get the treatment I've been getting?
You can't know the answer to everything and that's one of my issues; I want to know the reason for everything the moment I ask why. Funny thing, I know that I won't get the answers when I want them, or even at all. Yet, I still demand them.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I like my job, get paid every week and I get along with all my coworkers. It's still taking me a while to get used to the fact that :
1 - I'm not in school
2 - I won't be graduating in May 2011
I'm still confused about what I want to do with my life. Maybe this break will help me do that. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head about it, but what's done is done. I just have to work OD and stack this paper
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Your heart and emotions are thrown like caution to the wind. There's always a risk you're taking. Then as the relationship goes on, you see who someone truly is, how they act, all that stuff. You gotta deal with the bullshit they bring and their issues, along with yours. You have to "trust" and you have to "believe" their word and their actions. But when they don't follow through, on more than one occassion, that "trust" and "belief" begins to slowly fade away. And then what? This shit is not easy, at all. It only gets harder as the months and years pass by. When you get to 2, 3, 4 years, you wonder if this relationship was beneficial or detrimental to you as a whole.
Too many things to think about and take into consideration.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I just started my job so I'll have maybe 2, 3 days off at the most. I know that when Kevin starts school and his job, then we really won't have any time to spend with each other. We usually hang out at his house and I have no problem with that. But when his mom is home from work, I know that we can't spend time together.
MY thing is, why does that have to determine if we see each other or not? There are other things that we can do, but because your mom isn't home, we have to suffer.
He says, "Be positive. Know that things will get better." How am I supposed to know that when shit like this keeps happening? I know that when he goes back to school and works, that it's going to be even harder to spend time with each other as it is.
Friday, August 27, 2010
It was the day before the first day of classes and we were talking on the phone in my new dorm room. We were just talking about each other and where we want to take this and he asked me, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I was kind of surprised. A couple of minutes later, I replied, "Yes" and that's when our story began.
We've been through some ups and some downs; in the relationship and in our personal lives and through it all, we still stayed together, held each other down and helped one another get through it.
I really couldn't ask for anything (or anyone) else. So Happy 3 year anniversary to Kevin & I !
The first picture we took together : September 2007, Labor Day weekend
I threw him a surprise kickback for his birthday : June 2009
Monday, August 23, 2010
"It's the beginning to an end"
"S/O to #2011"
"We almost out of here"
And even though I am happy for the people that are ACTUALLY seniors and that will ACTUALLY graduate, there's something inside of me that feels like a failure. I'm here in New York, working while my peers are in D.C., on the road to graduation. People go at their own pace, I know, but it's taking me a while to accept it.
I wonder if people will wonder why I'm not there. Not that I care, but I already have the idea in my head about the people I used to be cool with and I'm pretty sure they won't even notice. If they ask me about my whereabouts, they're getting straight ignored, because they never gave a damn before, so why the hell you trying to be concerned now? Yall just being nosy, at this point and I won't give them the satisfation.
My new expected graduation date is 2012. As long as I graduate, right?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Kevin and I haven't fought. It's been almost a week since our last fight and we're good, back to normal, I would say.
I've been going IN on the job search; 47 jobs in 4 days. I know, I don't play, lol. Had a couple of interviews and I start training for one job on Saturday so, YAY HOORAY YIPPEE for me! lol. Depending on how demanding this job will be, I'll most likely look for another job in a couple weeks.
I feel more like myself and I'm trying not to stress myself out by overthinking things; I try to think of how blessed I am as opposed to what I don't have. Things should be good from here on out.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I haven't told Kevin what I'm going to do and I'm not sure if I will. I don't know, we've been up and down a lot lately and I'm not sure how my decision will affect him. I don't want him to lose focus of school and possible work because I'm home longer than usual. If he knew I was home and I didn't tell him, he would probably get mad. It's already an issue that we hardly see each other, but when I work and he has school and work, it'll most likely put more of a strain on our relationship.
I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be comfortable living my life and I'm not. I'm trying very hard to build my patience and positivity. I hope it's working and being noticed.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Guys come up to me and approach me and I do the right thing, I tell them, "No, I'm in a relationship, I don't want you're number, I'm not interested." I could lie and be like, "I'm single" or, "Yeah, I have a boyfriend but we could chill." I could be a sheisty ass chick with it, but NO, I respect Kevin and my relationship and I don't see the point in cheating or hurting him. But what about me? You don't even have time for me, so why not find someone else that does?
Friday, July 23, 2010
::sighs:: I hate being mushy and emotional sometimes but that's just who I am.
Supposed to hang out tomorrow, like we were supposed to on Tuesday. If all the things listed above happens, it'll solidify my reassurance. I need that old thing back or at least the closest thing to it.
I haven't seen him in a week and the week before that I haven't seen him in a week.
Listening to "The Element of Freedom" by Alicia Keys and it's mostly about love. I can relate to pretty much every song. But what I'm trying to understand is, is she saying that love is equated to freedom? When it's so true, so pure, so selfless, is that the same as being free? In a way, I agree, if that's the message she's trying to put out. But when things get in the way, love can make you feel like a prisoner in a number of ways. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings, binding you to that one person. Love is beautiful but ugly at the same time.
And what's funny is that I'm starting to realize and experience both sides of it.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
What do you do to fix that?
I know I won't get any answers because no one reads this, but I want to put it out there. When it's true love, it's two souls joined together as one but latley I've been feeling like it's just me.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I'm about to put some things on the back burner, seeing as what I'm putting into it, I'm not getting out the same amount. So my family, career, school, work, that's going into the forefront. Everything/one else is going to the back. Nobody and nothing can fulfill me or make me feel some type of complete like those 4 things I listed.
I'm going to do things for me. Not me and such and such, just ME. I don't have a child, I don't have to provide for them and ensure that they're taken care of properly. I don't have a husband. I don't have anyone to share my life with right now. I don't have people depending on me, but myself and I come first.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
We question it constantly. We don't just live, we have to know the answer to everything, the purpose for this, the reason for that. I hold myself accountable of doing that.
What's life without pain? Struggle? Making mistakes? Would that even be classified as such?
I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone, in everything I do. I know, life is hard, some have it harder than others. But for me, I don't want to go through this anymore. But I feel like I have to, if I want to continue "living."
It's kind of hard to live a completly different way from what you're used to; just let things happen as opposed to trying to control all the aspects of your life.
I'm kind of on a rant. I'm trying to see the silver lining in it all.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I try my very hardest to not let money rule or run my life. Lets face it, you need money to survive. I know that.
Currently, I'm out of a job and I've been coping with it ok. Of course it gets annoying and irritating when you can't go anywhere, let alone buy food for yourself when you're hungry but I deal. The one thing that peeves me though is that people aren't mindful or sensitive to my situation. People want me to go out with them, people want me to partake in events with them, people want me to get a cell phone.
I want to do all of that too, but I can't at the time. If you want me to do these things so much, THEN GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY FOR IT. If not, shut the fuck up.
That is all
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
We were cool until yesterday evening.
We got into another fight.
It transpired into today (right now).
I've come to the conclusion that expressing how I feel, telling him what bothers me and pouring my heart out to him only causes us more fights.
So I've decided to go into regression and hold EVERYTHING in, not tell him how I feel and do whatever he says.
Lets see if it works.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I feel like the dude now. Sitting here, wishing to get that old thing back, wanting to do everything in my power to make things right again.
I'll be honest, I don't know exactly what I want right now. The things I've been doing is on impulse, I guess you can say.
We definitely need to talk. But I think we need this break; to think and take a breather.
I feel so lonely right now. Maybe I deserve to feel this way.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I called my crush last night and we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. We're supposed to be linking up either Thursday or Friday. I like him, but it's to the point where I want to know more about him. I honestly don't know what he thinks of me. I get the feeling that he's digging the idea of me but I'ld like to hear him tell me.
I told him that I'll hit him up next week. I signed off AIM, being that I stayed on to speak to him. Deep down, I want him to try to contact me and show me that he wants me as much as he says he does. The type of person I am, you have to show AND prove to me what you're saying. Your words can only get you so far, but when the action follows through, you got me. I don't know. Knowing Kevin, he's gonna give me my space. Yes, give me my space, but don't act like you don't care. Do I make any sense? I hit him up yesterday to see if he was ok from a tweet he made. I'm showing I care but falling back at the same time. I'm in the middle right now. I'm thinking if I still want to be in a relationship with him or do I want to break up for good.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
I really don't know how I live with myself. I don't know how I wake up in the morning everyday and continue to live; continue to carry on.
I'm starting to think that I am depressed.
I'm thinking about transferring from Howard, but will it help?
It would be so easy to run away from your problems. I know that deep down, this is only a minor issue. I've only been alive for 20 years, there will be more to come. More struggle, more hurt, more pain, more inner turmoil.
Yet, I still believe that things will be okay, despite how dark I feel. Weird.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Luvanmusiq - Musiq Soulchild
And last but not least...Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna (The album that catapulted her into stardom)
The soundtrack to summer 2007. I definitely have one song from each album that resonantes with me. Music defintely runs my life, lol, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, February 1, 2010
-Family Pizza by Kev house
-3Ds by my granny fi di BOMB oxtail
-Fisherman's Cove to get some goodas jerk chicken
-Popeyes (There's none close in DC)
-This Jamaican bakery on Flatbush for some chicken patties
I think that's it, with my craving self, lol. I just need some culture in my life. I haven't been home since August when I left to go to school and the boo is making it all happen by buying my bus ticket home. I gotta go see my family too (Granny, my 2 aunts and my godmother). Yeah, it's about to be a busy trip but it will be a good one. Plus I get to see Kevin! lol, haven't seen him since he came to DC in mid-December.
So excited! lol
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Whenever something goes "wrong" in my life, I seclude myself and truly know that I'm all by myself. But like my mom usually says, "You were born alone, you'll die alone." Yet, she recently told me that she doesn't like that I'm by myself so often; told me I act like an old woman and I should act like a young woman and go out and shit.
I'm just bout to say fuck it. Fuck everyone, fuck this. Imma keep my mind on 2 things: school and work. Aint nobody out here gonna do shit for me but my damn self so fuck yall. I only have myself and that's how it's been for so long. I got through this thing called life for 20 years now with not much help and Imma keep living this shit the same way.
People act real funny style and people are really for self. I understand you got your life, but I do too much for people to get nothing in return. Imma keep doing it though because what you put out is what you get and Imma gets mines in the biggest way, I know it.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
As soon as I get some glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, it's gets longer and longer and darker and darker. I want to give up so bad but I know I can't. I'm doing this for me, no one else. I know at the end of the day, I'll look back and be so fucking proud of myself because I've been through so much.
I don't even have the luxury of having my parents, at least my own family to help me.
I'm fucking done with the tears, I'm so fucking done. I woulda have thought my tear ducts would have dried up by now with all my crying.
I need help, I'll admit it, finally. I'm a proud person and I'm admitting this. But who can help me?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I'm nervous to start this semester. I haven't felt this way about classes since Fall 07 when I was a freshman, lol. I got alot going on, a lot to ride and I'm just going to keep it positive. I also hope I get a refund check, oooooohhh WEE, that would be a treat, lol. I wouldn't even use it on myself though, I would get books and pay off my phone bill with it. But still, it would go to good use.
I came up with an idea for Kevin's birthday, lol. It's in June but I do need all that time to prepare. I'm not even gonna unravel it for yall, I gotta keep it a secret, lol. But each year, I do it bigger. For his 20th, I bought him his favorite, an ice cream cake, I took him out to dinner and I treated him to a movie. For his 21st, I threw him a surprise get together. For the 22nd, use your imagination, lol.
I'm feeling cool, just taking everything one day at a time. That's the most I can do :)