Move Forward

The last post I wrote, I was going through something. ::sighs:: I'm better now. Stress and me worrying got the best of me.

School is approaching and I will be back at Howard. I'm ready. Currently looking for a place to live but I will get that situatated before classes begin.

I'm sure when I return, things will be different. I feel like I'm a loner. The majority of my followers on twitter are Howard University students and they all pretty much know each other, especially students within the same class. I don't really have a lot of people I can call friends there and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel left out and I've always felt that way, since high school. Everyone wants to belong, of course, but I just want to be included, thought of. I'm certain that I don't cross people's minds as someone to hang out with. I'm basically invisible on campus, in my opnion. It's too late for me to make new friends beause everyone is either 1) about to graduate or 2) already clique'd up.

I will focus on my school work, but when I want to hang out and release, I don't have much of a selection.

Green Grass

For the last... 2 years, I've been through a lot of ups and downs and it seems like they just keep on coming.

With anything I ever had, I had to bust my ass to get it.

My senior year of high school, I went through it without my family, worked hard to get good grades and to get accepted into the college of my dreams.

Since my second year of college, I've been doing my hardest to at least pass majority of my classes.

Last year, I went through the 1st half of my third year with little to no food, no money, trying to get by in my classes, crying 3-4 times a week.

I had no job for majority of this summer, so I was broke like a joke. My main thing this summer was to get a job and stack heavy so I could find a place to live off campus and not have to relive what I went through. I went HARD looking for a job and eventually, I found one.

I took the semseter off to get my money up and I did, but now I have no place to live and school starts on the 11th. So I have about less than 2 weeks to find a place to live.

Fuck it, people I know do have it better and way fucking easier than I have. I work so fucking hard and go through so much for EVERYTHING I have. Other people's lawns look way better than mine.

The only thing I want is to steadily get through life with minimal curveballs. I feel like I can't deal with this, but I have no choice but to.

What To Do?

I have a friend, who I love very dearly. When we first met we couldn't STAND each other, but as time progressed and we got to know each other, we became friends and then best friends. We hung out ALL the time, I attended numerous family functions, supported her with a lot of thing, we did a lot of things together.. I did something wrong and haven't apologized for it yet. Now there's tension between us and I don't want there to be. I still want to be best friends with her and I know I have to apologize to her. The type of person she is, it's "shoot first, ask questions later." I've put off this apology because of that and by doing so, I might have made matters worse. Now she's home for winter break and I really want to speak to her but I'm a hesitant. What should I do?



Sidenote: I know no one will answer me. I had to get it out.

What I Want

And to think, I was going to delete my blogspot. Psshhh, I'm buggin'. This is one of the only things I can come to when no one (wants to) listen. A real human being would be great, but I have no one around so blogspot, you'll have to do.

Sooooooo, I'm going back to D.C. at the top of the new year, which is no more than 2 weeks away. I want to see as much people as I can before I go and one of those people is my boyfriend, Kevin. You guys may remember him, the only dude I talk about here. Anyway, I've been in New York since May and we've spent the most time together since we've been a couple (as soon as we got together, I went off to college, leaving us in a long distance relationship). Each day we've spent together has been wonderful, but now that the time for me to leave draws close, our plans always seem to get fucked up. It makes me really upset because I believe that he should spend as much time with me as he can. He makes somewhat of an effort, but I want more. I want things to go my way. When we say we're gonna hang with each other, that's it, no interruptions, no wrench in the plans, no nothing; just me, you, and the plans we made. It seems to be easier said than done. The reason we probably won't be seeing each other later today is because of this side job he does periodically. You're getting some type of money, ok, I shouldn't knock you, but understand how that's making me feel. Understand that there has been something that has allowed us to not do what we planned since late November.

I believe that I am a very understanding girlfriend. I let him hang with his friends, I hold him down when he needs to be held down, I'm there for him when he needs and/or wants it, when shit doesn't go our way, I help come to a mutual agreement, but I'm tired of doing that. Why can't things happen the way I want them to happen?

I can't even get my thoughts together because I'm so flustered by what's happening. I want to scream, kick, curse, and cry. My emotions are getting the best of me (time of the month). I want what I want and that's it.

Birds of A Feather

This is not about what you may think it'll be about.

I've recently saw a tweet from Tyrese saying, "So ALL of these moves I'm making is surrounding myself with Billionaires and really successful people.. So that I BECOME THEM!! You ARE the company you KEEP.. You keeping fucking with Thousandaires that's all you will EVER BE..!! " (This is word for word, btw)

Which leads me to the purpose of my entry. I love music. I'm in school for journalism. So don't I hang out with people who have similar intersts as myself? What I got from that tweet was that, I need to surround myself with journalists, people who have similar goals as me. To fuel and encourage the "fire" inside of me, I should be working with people who have the same hunger as me, who are grinding to get what they want. Funny thing is, THOSE people have realized it already. I've noticed that most of the popular journalists on my campus hang around each other, they know each other, have worked with each other. See the common thread in this?

The other side to this : music. I can sing, I choose not to. But when I riff and harmonize and hit a note perfectly, it sounds ILL to me, I get excited. I know people who can BLOW, people who deserve recognition. When I get around my friends from H.S. and we go back and forth with singing and stuff, it's so carefree and child-like, in a way. Like you're doing something that you love to do and no one can tell you anything because you're so into it and they see what it gives you. Will I do something with my voice? Not sure. I do know that I would like to explore with it, but I have to build my confidence a bit more. I'm WAY better than I was a year or 2 ago, lol. The thing that makes me hesitant about it is that I don't want anyone to say "You can't sing," when deep down, I know I have a voice.

Feelings Pt.2

Ok, so I gave in and played the game, lol

But I didn't give many people a number to write about me; I wrote about people instead. I rather do that than read what people have to say about me. That's the humble part of me.

Feelings

Facebook has been getting people into they feelings lately, lol. Seriously.

This is like the 2nd game within a month where you have to tell someone how you feel about them. Do you really need that person's validation and do you really care THAT much about what the person thinks of you and has to say about you? If they wanted to tell you those things, they would've said it. Fuck a game, fuck a fad, fuck the bullshit.

Honestly, I don't participate in that fuckery because I could care less about what people think of me. You want to tell me how you feel about me, come out and say it. It's funny how people are like, "I don't care about what people think or say about me", yet, you do so much to be down and please others when you don't even know who YOU are.

Am I going in? I don't think so. In the end, I have to live with my decisions, my actions, myself. So you can say and think what you want about me, but I'm gonna do things for me. You confused about me, want some clarification on some things? I don't mind telling you, if you ask. But I'm definitely not going out of my way for you to express your feelings about me. It's lame.

Getting Back

The last post I wrote, it was around Thanskgiving. Got to see my family and I wasn't on the computer the whole time. I definitely needed that.

Ok, so, it's December and crunch time is approaching; finals, papers, projects. For me, it's back to school and I still have things to get together. One of the things I hate about being a procrastinator. I still got shit to sort out with school, I'm waiting to hear about the house I saw last month, I gotta rent a car to move my things from Delaware to D.C., register for classes, a lot of things. I feel a bit unprepared and overwhelemed ::sighs:: BUT, everything will work out. I fully believe that.

I do miss Howard, the people, the atmosphere and the events, but I don't miss the bullshit that comes along with it. I know when I go back, there will be some people I won't be hanging out with. Nothing personal, shit happens. I do miss being in school. While I was there, I lost sight of why I was there and that can happen. When I come back January 2011, I will have my mind right and will buss everything out. I know what needs to be done.

Yeah, I'm not graduating May 2011, I've finally come to terms with that (as long as that took). Everyone does things in their own time, at their own pace. At least I'm still in school and closer to graduation than some people. There are people that are still in college with freshman credits. Not knocking them, but hey, I got the leg up.

I'm ready; ready to come back, excell in school and get it together so I can get my career together.