Thursday, October 21, 2010


No matter what anyone tells me, I'm a firm believer that I am alone. Not one person will be there for you when you need them, how you need them, at least not often. I had a conversation last night with someone who said I need to stop pushing them away and let them help me, but where was this person today? Dealing with their own issues.

I don't have a problem with that. I feel like if you want to help me take on my situations, you're going to have to be able to handle both your situations and mine.

Are there people that are there for me? Kind of. But sometimes you want someone that experienced what you're dealing with, rather than someone who understands from you telling them. There's only so much you can understand through expression.

I feel a little overwhelemed because I have a lot to do in a matter of 2 months and then it's back to my life in D.C.; that's a completely different type of being alone but I won't touch on that.

I should enjoy my time in New York and deal with these issues instead of letting them attack me from left and right. I know what I need to do. The only thing holding me back is my negativity and the past. But it's the past, it happened already. I have the power to not let it happen again. And where is negativity going to get me?

::Sighs:: Note to self: just do it

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Can't Get What You Want

My family (and I) aren't close. I'm the closest to my mom and my siblings and that's about it. And in reality, that's all I need.

I'm staying with my grandmother while I'm here in NY and I have never met anyone so miserable in my life. I honestly feel that it makes her feel good to make people around her miserable. She's "nice" when she wants to be, but other times, she's always yelling, distant and judgemental. My mom and grandma don't have much of a relationship and I can understand why. I try to be nonexistant when she's around because I know she's going to do or say something to irritate me to the highest degree.

Sometimes, I wish I had a TV grandma, or at least the closest thing to one; she bakes cookies, she's the sweetest ol thing, she tells you old stories about "back in her day," she shows you a photo album of your mom and aunts and uncles, she hugs you all the time and you feel her warmth, her wisdom, her wordly knowledge, transferring to you.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I Don't Like This

I feel like I'm single and I don't like that feeling.

At the same time, I'm going to stand my ground and not give in. I will not be the first one to make the move, I always do that. I'm not going to be the one to break the silence and talk to you. You're the one who messed up, make the effort to fix it and I'll meet you half way.

He probably figures that he's giving me my space, but I never asked for that. I want you to bother me, to nag me until I'm ready to talk to you. I feel like he needs to put in work, not sit back and approach this when he's ready.

I'm tired of talking and sitting around, waiting for something to change. I've been patient long enough. I don't know how much of it I have left, to be honest. This shit is ridiculous.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Burnt Out

I'm tired of trying with you. After moments like this, I remain hopeful that things will change and you'll do something to get me back, but I'm usually proved wrong. I'm working with you on this and I need you to put in that same amount of work. You say you know what to do, you say that you understand. If you understand, why do you keep doing these things to me?

I'm numb to it all. I don't want this to happen again but I have the strongest feeling that it will. Maybe I shouldn't care about you as much. Maybe I should place every single thing before you. Maybe I shouldn't do anything for you, make you feel like you mean less to me.

I don't know what to do. I want to get this straight but I don't know how much patience I have left.

I want you to fight for me, to fight for me to believe that things will change, to fight and show me that you still feel the same way about me like when you first told me, "I love you." Make me put all my faith in you. Because doing it on my own gets me nowhere.

The funny thing is, I've said this plenty of times, but we're still at square one.

Random Ramble

It's hard to stick with something that you know can be great, but at it's current time, it's not enough to make you want to stick with it.

Not sure if that made sense.

I must be doing or did something wrong, karma coming back to me or something. I feel like I did something wrong. I know I can do better with certain things in my life but what; what am I doing to get the treatment I've been getting?

You can't know the answer to everything and that's one of my issues; I want to know the reason for everything the moment I ask why. Funny thing, I know that I won't get the answers when I want them, or even at all. Yet, I still demand them.