Saturday, February 28, 2009


is what you make it?......yeah, it is, lol.

Just thinking about life and school. I just don't want to struggle, but it's going to get harder as I get older. And I guess that just means I have to get stronger.

The reason for this entry is because shit is about to start getting real. I'm about to become more independent and I don't think I'm ready for it yet. Even though I don't think I'm ready, I'm still going to take my responsibility and do what I have to do.

My mom was telling me that she was going to use my child support money to pay for the loan she took out for me to stay in school. I have no problem with that. But she also told me that my child support will end May 12, 2010 (my 21's birthday). So I have to get a job to support myself, no biggie. At the same time, I really want to get an internship. But you know what? At the moment, me being able to monitarily support myself for the next 2 years is more important than an internship, in my eyes. The way I see it is that if I work and save my money, in the summer of 2010, I can get an internship.

I just have to take it one day at a time and worry about what it's front of my face right now, instead of the future; something I have no control over.

So, I've been thinking about tattoo's and for my first tat, I was thinking about a treble clef behind my right ear. But I think I'm going to hold off on that tat and get strength in arabic on my wrist.

But yeah, I guess as each situation I encounter and get through, it just helps me to face the situations to come

Monday, February 23, 2009

Random Music #3

Friday I was walking down the street and I already had Foxy Brown on my Zune. So I turned it on as I headed out the building and "Oh Yeah" came on. It made me smile a bit because it took me back to junior high, Ditmas I.S.62 to be exact (anyone from Brooklyn knows the reputation of that school, lol). I was a "dance" major and we had free time so someone popped in a Hot 97 bootleg CD (Yall know they came out with a CD like every week/bi monthly, lol). Foxy Brown's "Oh Yeah" came on and we started jamming. I remeber the girls always wanted me to do the dance homie did from 3:32-3:34, lol. I definitely Foxy was coming back because she was puttin out some good joints back then, but shit happens. The song also reminded me of when I would watch BCAT (a Brooklyn Cable Access channel) and they would play the new videos on Friday nights. ::sighs:: the good ol' days, lol. Peep the cameos from Spragga Benz (Foxy's old beau) and Baby Cham

"Oh Yeah" by Foxy Brown


is NOT key. Whoever told you it is lied to you,lol. I hate procrastinating, but I do it anyway. I've been putting school work and projects off since I was in 4th grade. My mom always says, "You like to wait until the last minute." I do it and know what will be the outcome. I'm either pulling an all nighter or I don't do the assignment. I can't afford to procrastinate, my education is on the line (literally).

If anyone has any tips on how to cease procrastination, please let me know.

Back to writing a midterm that was due last week...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Done

I'm in a real depressed state right now, I don't even want to do anything. I'm just so upset because of what's going on with me at school and it's just a lot for me to swallow right now.

I feel like such an idiot because I did this to myself. I have no one else to blame but myself. I honestly see why people turn to alcohol or drugs, because they don't want to deal with their real lives. I see why people turn to crime, because that's the only way they can express their repressed emotions. I can just understand why some people do the things they do.

Have you ever felt like giving up? Not just giving up on a task or a job or a person, but giving up on life? I've felt that way so many times, but for some reason, I've always found the strength to pull through. But I don't want to be strong anymore, I don't want to pull through. I know that to get what you want, you have to work hard for it, but I just can't take it anymore.


I just feel so...over it. Like, I want to give up and people keep telling me, "Don't let it defeat you", "Don't let it get you down", "Try to stay positive", "Pray about it."
I got a notice today saying that I have to evacuate my dorm by the end of business day friday (Yes, this friday, the 20th). I'm wondering, why am I getting this notice? Is it because I owe Howard money from last semester? I have no clue but the notice said to go to the community director to basically tell him why they (Residence Life) don't have their money aside from the information they already know.
I go to my account online and I see my financial aid hasn't even kicked into my account, so I'm assuming that's the reason why I have to leave. I called my mom and she didn't really tell me much, aside from the fact that this should open my eyes and really get a job like I've been saying I was going to do. Just do what I say instead of just saying it. Funny thing is, I was going to go to my friend's job and this grocery store by me on Friday to get applications.
I feel so helpless. The only thing I can do is go to the financial aid building and see what the deal is and if I'm eligable for any amount of money.
I just want to be by myself for a while. I don't feel like dealing with anybody. I told two of my friends and one of them gave me some advice. The other one...aight, the way I feel about it is that I listen to people, I care about what they have to say and their feelings. I try not to say things that will make that person feel worse or still feel the same they did before we spoke. I also give you my undivided attention. I just want back what I give and I don't get that with people at Howard so I'm going to start keeping things to myself now. I know my mommy doesn't give much give advice, but she's not condesending or negative. Kevin tries his hardest to make me feel better whenever I'm going through something and Whitney always there for me when I need it, the way I need it. I have people to talk to when it comes to certain situations and I'm just going to keep it that way. From now on, I know who to talk to about what and that's just how it's gonna go down, personally.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Missing You

I should be going to bed, but I just wanna get this out.

I miss Kevin. I miss him a lot. There are times like this that make it hard to be in a long distance relationship. Trust me, because I feel this way won't let me end this relationship, it's just hard to grasp the fact that no matter how much I want to be with him, he's not a 20 minute walk away. I can't hop on the shuttle, wait for the Q to go to Parkside and walk to his house.

I'm laughing a bit right now because I've always wanted to find someone who would feel the exact same way I felt about them and he's 150+ miles away.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's Day...

lol, I've never had a good one and I'm not against it. This V-Day was spent with the fam because it is also my baby sister's birthday. She just turned 10 years old yesterday and she is just growing right before my eyes. I took her out to eat at Red Lobster today for lunch. She had a good time and the food was good, lol.

I was supposed to go to NY today to be with Kevin but the plans flopped on us. He was supposed to have a free crib and instead had a full house, including his neice and nephew sleeping over for the weekend. He was really upset about it and he told me that he wanted me to be happy instead of being miserable with him, since we weren't able to be everything we wanted. Honestly, I still would have went because I hate to see him upset and I know that I can make him feel better ::cheese smile::

BUT, he's supposed to be coming to D.C. for a weekend and I'm REALLY excited about it. He has been "trying" to make his way to my side of town for like a year now and it just hasn't happened. If there was anything I've ever wanted out of him, it's for him to come to D.C. and spend some time with me. He's going to get a hotel and everything and we can really get some alone time. I really hope this goes through, but to be real, until he tells me he booked his hotel room and bought his bus ticket, I'm not going to get myself too excited. I am going to keep positive about it though. Lowkey, I think the plan will come through, lol.

So, for this whole month, I won't be able to see Kevin. My spring break is next month and I'm spending half of it with my family and the other half with my baby. He should be coming the week after my spring break so I get to see him twice next month.

This long distance relationship thing is hard, but situations like these make us and the relationship stronger. In the end, it's all worth it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Random Music #2

I was in my friend's room today (shout out to Lauren!) and she's always tryna stump me and ask me questions about singers and actors/actresses like, who was in this video, who was in this show, that type of stuff. So she asked me "Oh, did you know Lloyd was in that Sammie video?" So I said, "Oh, in 'I Like It' right?" and she was like,"UGH, I you know everything!" Then we started singing the song,lol. I was thinking about the song and it just reminds me of 5th grade. I just graduated from elementary school and my parent's took me to this seafood restaurant. They had TVs that played the latest video's and Sammie's song was playing while we were waiting for a table. I also remember my homegirl had the Sammie CD and she let me borrow it for like 2 weeks. While I had it, I played it every single day on my CD boombox,lol.

"I Like It" by Sammie

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Have You Ever...

felt like you're living a life that isn't yours?

I don't know, lol. I just feel like I'm living someone elses life sometimes. I am honestly thankful that I am where I am at the point in my life. I can't really complain.

Today was such a beautiful day. I started thinking about when school's over and how consistant the nice weather will be. You can do so much in nice weather, lol. I can't wait to be back home.

I'm going home this weekend and I can't wait! My baby sister is turning 10 on Valentine's Day. It's crazy, I remember when she was like 1,2 years old and I would measure her in our doorway. I remember when she broke her arm falling off the bunk bed and I was worried out my ass. Even though she brings out the child in me (in terms of arguing), I love her to death. My baby is growing up. Before I know it, she'll be in high school. I'm not ready for that, lol.

Friday, February 6, 2009


That's all I can name this entry right now, lol.

So I'm on the phone with Mr.Kevin and he's telling me how he had a message to pass to me. I ask him who is it from because I was truly curious. And he tell me it's from Ashley [Sidebar: To get background info, see ]. So I'm like,what does she have to say because I said enough to her when we spoke. All I remember is that she was talking some shit about Kevin is her only real friend and how other people be shitting on her, MAD fuckin bullshit. Bascially the message she had to send to me was that her intention isn't to take Kevin from me and that even though she knows me and her aren't going to be friends, that she just wants no beef between me and her.

I'm not sure if I should be upset about this or let this shit go, but I know how I feel right now and I'm type aggie (agravated), I won't lie.

I never fuckin liked you and I never will. I don't give a fuck if Kevin is your only "real" friend. He doesn't even fuck with you. Tell me why this bitch pressed Kevin's friend at their school, talking about how do you know Kevin and all this shit because she saw his friend write mad shit on his MySpace? Like,who the fuck are you? Seriously. Gonna tell my man that you like him, KNOWING that he has a girl, bitch, get the fuck outta here. Talking about you just wanted to tell him.

See, I, you know what? If I do that, niggas feelings would get hurt.

::sighs:: This weekend I hope invovles some weed or alcohol because I'm ready to just let loose.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Gotta Get Back To The $$$

Yes I do, lol.

I was on the shuttle, going to my room to chill before my two hour class (it's not as gruesome as it sounds) and I was thinking about saturday night. I was in my friend's car and the radio was on. They were mixing "You Ain't Know" by Lil' Wayne and Birdman and I was hype because this was one of the few songs I like that's Lil' Wayne affiliated. So I tuned to it while I was on the shuttle and I was just feeling it, like, "Damn, I do have to get back to the money."

Doesn't having a job feel good? Well,in some aspects. You work, do whatever it is you do, make your money and spend the hard earned money that YOU worked for. Not the money that mommy, daddy or boo in some cases gave you, YOUR money. This song defintely helped motivate me and prepare me for saturday's job hunt.

Young Mula BayBeh!! (Excuse me for LOVING that little line he shouts on virtually every song, lol)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Little Update

I'm going to try to keep this short because I really don't have that much to say,lol

-School's going fairly well. I still have to buy books ::looks sideways:: lol. I know that I need to stop procrastinating and stop being lazy and I will be an outstanding student.
-My mommy called me yesterday and we spoke for a good minute. I miss my mommy ::pouts:: lol. But I'll see her next weekend.
-Next weekend is Valentine's Day/Presidents Day weekend. I'll be going home [Delaware] from Friday to Sunday. Valentine's Day is my little sister's birthday and she's turning 10. She's getting so big,it's crazy. Then I'm leaving on Sunday to go to my other home [Brooklyn] to go spend some time with the hubby. He bought my Christmas gift (yeah,I know it's late), as well as something for Valentine's Day and I'm anxious to see what it is. He's WAAAYYY more hype than I am, lol. I miss him too so I'm glad I'll get to see my family in that jam packed weekend.
-I NEED A JOB NOW!!!!!! I'm goign to get up early on saturday and go to different places in the area. I'll take anything, even McDonald's. Money is money, whether I'm cooking up fries or folding up shirts, ya diig?

Is that all? I think so, lol. I'm about to change the song in the side. I was feeling real Jamaican last saturday,lol.

OH, so Meridian's cable is fucked up and I'm throughly pissed. It has been off since saturday evening. I missed Bad Girls Club and I was going to catch up tonight! UUGHHHH, oh my goodness, this shit is ridiculous, I swear.

Ok, that's it, lol.