Wednesday, June 25, 2008
So, lately, I've been going over Kevin's house to hang out. I like being over there, I just feel comfortable. Plus, his family likes me, so I don't feel threatened or uneasy. We were chillin at the house, holding each other, kissing, watching TV and such. It was around 2 AM and I was laying on him on the couch and I told him that I just wanted him to hold me. As he was holding me, I was thinking, "I really can't live my life without him. And if I had to do, I would be so sad." Thinking this, I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong and we talked about that I was thinking. He told me that he felt the same exact way. He also told me that I am the only one for him and that he wants me to be his wife, to have his children, to live in our house and have the life we planned for ourselves together. We exchanged our "I love you's" and I was still being held. Then I started thinking about the two times I was very hurt (Blain & Ramel) and I just couldn't stand being hurt by Kevin because against my will, he definitely has a great piece of me. I also love him with my heart, mind, body, and soul and being hurt from someone that you love that intensely would just damage you in the worst way. I started crying again and started telling him why I was crying. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and that I shouldn't worry about that, nor should I think about things like that. After us talking a bit, I called for a cab and went home. I got home by 3:20 AM and called Kevin to let him know that I was fine. I went to sleep at 3:45 AM.
I woke up at 6:30 AM and got myself ready for my best friend's graduation. I left my house at 7:20 AM, bought a croissant at the store and was on my way to the train station. I got my hair done, I was looking very nice and I was just feeling good about myself, vibing to A Tribe Called Quest and N.E.R.D. on my way to her house. I got there around 7:40 Am and we left at 8:10 AM. The graduation was at the chapel at Columbia University on 116th & Amsterdam. It was a really nice graduation. Her graduating class is small, so a group of them would go up with their "teacher" and the teacher would say a few things about the student, then give the student a chance to give thanks or say a little something. When my best friend was about to go up,she was crying a bit and I was just so proud of her. It started at 10 AM and ended at 12 PM. After the ceremony, Mellissa (my bestie) was talking pics with her friends, walking around, just being herself, lol. We ended up going to this chinese restaurant (it was a real restaurant, not the hood chinese food spots,lol) called Ollie's on 84th & Broadway. I had chicken & broccoli with fried rice. The food tasted good and the rice tasted clean, like it wasn't fried off a caked up wok and whatnot. Mellissa's dad was driving and me and her were just knocked OUT in that car, lol. As soon as I woke up, it started raining. They dropped me off home around 3 PM and I thought that would be the end of my day until...
...the rain cleared up and I called Lauren. Due to the weather, I still wanted to see if she was coming to Manhattan so we can chill, like we planned. She let me know that she was still coming and I left my house to go to Kevin's so we can leave and meet with her. I got to his house and was waiting for about 15 minutes. When we were about to leave, she called and told me that she was there, so we left and hopped on the train to get her. We got there and went to my favorite place, Johnny Rocket's, lol. [Sidebar: I do not, repeat, DO NOT, wear shoes of any sort but today was special, so I wore these loafers I got from Payless. Now, at this point in my day,my feet were killing me. So I'm making the decision to not buy anymore shoes from Payless. These joints are fucking up my feet]. We started walking down Broadway and I was showing her the sights, the different stores and things like that. It was cool and so was I. Eventually, my cool was wearing and I was starting to feel the pain on the inside of my right foot. We go into YRB (Yellow Rat Bastard) and just walking on the type of floor they had was KILLING me. So I was gettin upset and was telling Kevin how my feet were killing me and he says, "Just be tough for me, ok?" He definitely wasn't in my shoes (literally) because being tough was out of the question. I was starting to get upset. We're still walking, bout to reach Canal St. and Kevin asks me, "Wassup with tomorrow?" I just shrug my shoulders, because I didn't know. So we get to Canal and I let go of his hand so I can hold on to the rail with dear life. We get to where the we wait for the train and I sit down in relief. I didn't want to talk and Kevin sat between Lauren & I. Kevin was trying to get me to talk, but it wasn't working. We get on the train and the pain was HITTING me, literally. I am gripping my arm, damn near in tears due to the pain and Kevin asks me what's wrong. [Sidebar: What the fuck do you think is wrong with me? My fuckin feet are in the worst condition and I could not take the pain any more. Like, what the fuck else would be wrong with me? You should tell by the look on my face that I'm in pain]. So we get to the LIRR train station to drop Lauren off [Sidebar: I'm sorry Lauren for ending the day like that, I was just in a lot of pain and it was making me really upset] and after we leave, I ask him is he's taking the Q or the 2 or 3 train with me. He asks me, "Do you want me to go with you?". Now,I am in pain and am fighting my body to stand and you're asking me questions. All you had to say was a simple yes or no. So I ask him, "Do you want to come?", he says "It's up to you what you want to do." That just did it for me. So I say to him, "If you want to ride the train with me, ride the train, if you want to take the Q, take the Q. I don't care." All I was caring about was getting off my feet. So he says, "I'm taking the Q" and I left him right where he was. That was so fucked up to me. You know I'm in pain and you're going to leave me like that, not make sure that I get home and am feeling alright? So I got on the 3 and am trying not to think about my feet. As soon as I opened up my door, them shoes were off. By the time I got home, they hurt so much that I started crying. I was so tight at Kevin that I wasn't going to pick up his phone calls. Personally, I would've ignored them, but when he called, I was blasting my music. I was going to ignore his phone calls, not talk to him or see him tomorrow and go home without saying shit to him. He calls me again and I pick up because I know that I would have a feeling on my heart if I didn't tell him what was going on through my mind.
I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep and I am exaughsted. I'm off to bed.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Next Tuesday is Mellissa's graduation and I am in there. That is my girl, lol, and I CAN'T let her down. Dorian is also a senior and he graduated as well. Now, I feel that he should have told me because I would have been there with bells on for him. I call his mom mommy and she calls me her daughter. During his senior year, he was struggling to graduate. He didn't know whether or not if he was going to walk across the stage or not. So he & I were talking about it throughout his senior year and I was giving him encouraging words. He was even thinking about not going to college, but I knew that he wanted to go. Plus, I will not stand and let him be a product of his environment. I go to my homegirl's page and I see pictures of his graduation on his page. When I saw that, I was a little hurt, I won't even front. Like, why wouldn't he think that I wouldn't want to go? Or why wouldn't he think to invite me? I never expressed that I didn't want to go. I don't know, that just hit my heart.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Dorian Gladiator Sandals from Bakers - $49.95
I am a very simple girl, so excuse my lack of accessories.
a pair of Gucci sneakers that everyone has, some common pair of True Religion jeans or a brown monogram Louis Vuitton handbag. I'm interested in so much more. My mom says that I have expensive taste and when I agree; I definitely deserve the finer things in life. "Nothing but the best for my boo", as Kevin likes to say. It's cool to have these nice things, but just step outside the box, find something else that no one knows about. And hey, who knows? People might catch on to what you've just "discovered". Something else I've noticed about people when it comes to labels: you don't have to wear something that has the name of the label plastered all over it. If people are really about their fashion, they will know what label it came from, as well as the season it came out.
One pair of shoes I will have in my possesion before I go back to Howard [Sidebar: I attend Howard University in Washington D.C., a very well known HBCU] A pair of Reva Ballerina flats from Tory Burch. I know, they came out like last year and there are soooooo many knockoffs and "remakes". They are just so adorable and they also look quite comfy!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
My good friend Egypt lives with her boyfriend and we (Jarena, Naeemah, Whitney & I) came to hang out at her house. This is the first time I've gone to her house (in general). She just recently moved into that apartment and the apartment she moved out of, I never came to visit her in. It's a nice, cozy 1 bedroom and I defintely got a homey feeling from being there. We chilled there, cracking jokes and conversing. After that, someone brought up the tape that we made. Lol, now it all started where Egypt, Naeemah, Whitney and I had to make a tape for a project. After that, we taped each other doing stupid stuff like :
-Doing a talk show
-Having a fashion show
just to name a few,lol. It was so crazy because we looked younger, thinner, lol, all that. I was kinda skinny and looked really goofy (well,to me). At that time, I definitely was self-consisous and my self-esteem was low. I have grown into my looks and am a lot more comfortable with myself. Following the "home movies", we went to Egypt's room and looked at pictures of ourselves and were just reminicing. We said we should take more pics, make more home movies, and have a girls night in. We discussed about the girls night in and hopefully it goes down on Sunday, like we said. That would be really cool. We haven't had a sleepover in...like 2 years,lol. The last one was at Jarena's house, well, all of them have been at her house,lol. This is the oldest pic I have of all of us together.
This was in 11th Grade
This was May 16,2008 for my birthday
Monday, June 9, 2008
I am the type of person that, when I want to do something, I want to do it when I want to. Kevin & I discussed what was to happen today last night. So I wake up at 11 AM, chill for a bit,took a shower and got dressed. He was supposed to call me when he woke up and he didn't. So I'm sitting here, waiting for him to call me. I give up on waiting and call him. Just his tone on the phone was just real aloof and careless. I ask him if he just woke up and he's like, "Nah, not really, I was just relaxing." I'm talking to him about how he didn't call me when he woke up and he just says, "My fault". Then he asks me "What's the plan for today?" We talked about this shit last night. I swear, it's like he doesn't think sometimes. It's like he just speaks or just does something before thinking about it. It really makes me think that there's something wrong with him sometimes. At times, I just want to yell at him and make him feel so stupid and hurt his feelings, but then I take a deep breathe and try to relax because I know that's not going to help the situation. I know it's not nice to be mean, but there are times like this where I want to say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you slow or mildly retarded? I know you have a brain in your head, so how bout you fuckin use it?" But that's not very nice, is it?
The only reason I feel this way is because I care about him so much. I'm listening to "Hate That I Love You" by Rihanna ft. NeYo and it is so true at times. When he gets me so upset, I hate the fact that I love him so much. But I know that I would rather him make me feel this way instead of another guy. Even when I'm upset at him, he knows just how to make me smile and laugh, knowing good and damn well how annoyed I am at him. It drives me crazy because I'm mad at him, but he makes me laugh because he wants to make me happy. If that was the case, you wouldn't do some of the dumb shit you do.
Now I'm gettin more upset because I have to fuckin wait for his fuckin ass so I can do what the fuck I wanted to do. I should just leave and do what I had to do. I HATE having to wait on people. You are wasting my time. I'm sitting here, waiting for him to call me. I'm back where I was an hour ago. I swear, if he calls me at 2, I'm telling him to stay his ass at home. If he did what the fuck he was supposed to do instead of laying in his fuckin bed, this blog wouldn't be existant.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Now,I just got through doing something that some may think that a jealous,non-trusting girlfriend would do. I agree with the saying, "curiosity killed the cat", because my curiosity defintely gets the best of me. I know I'm nosy. I feel that I need to know about things because people hardly tell me on their own. So I have to find a way to find out the things I want to know. The thing I did was read Kevin's messages on his MySpace account. It was wrong, yes, but he gave me his password to change something on his page. He has nothing to hide, which is why he wasn't hesitant as to give me his password. I was curious and I read his messages. I didn't find anything, which, deep down, I know I wouldn't. But I feel a certain way now, after reading those messages. [Sidebar: Sometimes, I tend to over-analyze things, and I am about to do that now] He had an ex girlfriend who he was really into, but she basically had too much going on with herself and her life to keep a relationship with him. She played games with him as well. While I read through his messages, I saw that on the same day we went on a date, he was still talking to her, which he told me he stopped talking to her in July. Then I saw that he told her to hit him up, 2 days after we got together. They had a brief conversation where she mentioned that she is moving to Georgia and going to Clark Atlanta. He said that he's trying to go to Georgia Tech and "maybe I'll see you there". [Sidebar: The FUCK you saying maybe I'll see you there for? Honestly, that's some shit I would say to flirt. You don't have to be nice, just say what you have to say and keep it moving]. She even asked about him to his homegirl while they were at school. It's either she's not over him or she still has feelings for him. He told me he's over her and all that good stuff and I believe him, but she just needs to let it go and move the fuck on. Of course, if you cared for him, you would still think about him, but still, leave it alone, don't act on it, you feel me? That's how I feel because I am honestly at a point in my life where I don't want to contact any ex-boyfriends or any dudes I used to talk to. They don't mean anything to me, AT ALL, and talking to them isn't going to do anything for me.
I am in it (love) deep. Nothing can take me out and I don't want it to. I have so much to give in a relationship and it's taken a while for me to find a person that is very willing to take and embrace what it is I have to give. It has also come early in my life, which kind of leaves me a little sideways about the situation. I hate being negative and being doubtful, but from where I came from (the person I was before), being negative was normal. Sometimes, I think that Kevin is going to change how he feels about me and leave me. I can't take that. We've been through so much and have given so much to each other, that if that was to happen (god forbid), I would feel so empty and sad. The way I'm feeling right now is such a great feeling. To know that there is someone that loves you just as much as you love them. I am in love with him as well, which is a different feeling. It's defintely a selfless feeling. It's like, whatever you do, you think about the other person first, before yourself.
I would be deeply hurt if I knew Kevin was doing something behind my back. I defintely would be a different person after it were to happen. I would be so heartbroken and upset, words can't even describe it. I thank God all the time for putting Kevin in my life the way he did. I know that I am blessed in many ways and for each way, I'm grateful. I am greatly grateful for the blessing that is this relationship with Kevin. In my heart, I know that me and him will be together " 'til death do us 'part." The feelings we have are too strong to not act upon. He was talking to his ex girl from junior high, [Sidebar: I haven't spoken with anyone from junior high in YEARS,lol], and he was saying that if he were to get married, I would be the one. This was when we were with each other for 6 months. June makes it 10 months and I'm certain that things have changed from February, or at least when he said that.
I want our future to go as smooth as it is right now. I'm smiling a bit because I'm thinking about the first time he said "I love you" (November 16,2007). Then the next day, we got off the phone and he called me back because he forgot to tell me "I love you." Since then, there hasn't been a day where he forgets to (or doesn't) tell me. Kevin has my heart and no one can take that away from him.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
A friend of Adrianna's knew of a party at Pepper's Lounge (Manhattan)and she put me and Whitney(my best friend) on the VIP list. Ray (Kevin's best friend) put Kevin's name on the list as well. The thing about the party was that if you're name is on the VIP list, you get in for free before 12:30. So we're all like,yeah, "we in there", "we getting in free", "We're gonna shake our ass", all that good stuff, lol. Sunday comes and I had nothing to wear. I went to KP (Kings Plaza mall) and went to Forever 21 and found this cute black shirt. I was gonna wear it with my favorite skinny jeans from Old navy and some black heels my cousin gave me. Now, for everyone who doesn't know Danielle, I am a T-Shirt & sneakers type of girl, always have and always will be. Shoes & heels are something I don't do, but I am slowly getting into it. I get home and get ready to go and we were already late. So I hurry and get dressed. Adrianna wanted me & Whitney to meet up with her so we can all go together so she asks me to get into a cab to get to her house. I left my house at 10:00 PM and was tryna catch a cab. No cabs were going where I had to go and I'm in heels, so I'm gettin pissed. So I'm calling cabs and I'm getting nothing. So I go out on the street to catch a cab and MAD cabs passed me, getting me very upset. I FINALLY get into one and I don't get into Bed-Stuy until a quarter to 11. Adrianna got this dollar van to drive us to the club. I was very pissed in the car, but I eventually got over it. We get to the club and the line was around the corner. Kevin, Ray and their other friends were already there by 10 PM. We get online around 11:15 and were just waiting. To pass the time, we were talking, acting a fool, just being silly. There was a boy and girl line and at the time, our line seemed longer than the boy's line. Eventually, we surpassed the boy's line and got into the club at 12:45, after the "free" VIP. Me, Adrianna & Whitney get into the club, just chillin. Then like 30 minutes later, the boys get in and we're all on the second level. It was fun. I was in my heels ALLLLL night until I got home, which is a big accomplishment,lol
Monday, June 2, 2008
-Go to his house with an ice cream cake (white cake,vanilla ice cream from Baskin-Robbins)
-Take him to see "Don't Mess With Zohan" (New movie with Adam Sandler)
-Take him out to dinner (Olive Garden)
-Take him to see The Cool Kids in concert (that's more so for me,lol)
I don't know whatelse it is that he wants to do, but we'll definitely do it.
I'll talk about the club later tonight
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Speaking of the club tonight, my boyfriend will be there. Now, I've had a previous experience where I went to a party with an ex and I was not happy at the end of the night. I know how I am and I am jealous. I know Kevin won't OD, but it's these biddies I'm worried about. I just hope that none of these females pull a stunt or anything. But other than that, nothing but positvity for the night, ya diig? lol
So yesterday Kevin started his first day of work at the Aquarium (in Coney Island). He said his day was cool. I'm happy that he got a job because he was really looking for one for a minute and now he's found one. Kinda sad because we won't see each other as much as we have, you know? But he's working and he'll be getting money of the things he has been wanting. After work, I went to go check him. We went to grab some pizza at our favorite spot (Family Pizza, Flatbush & Parkside, good stuff,lol). After that, we went back to his house and watched some movies (Borat & Dreamgirls). I never saw Borat and watching it for the first time had me ROLLING, lol. It was really funny. After our lil movie thing, we left the house to meet up with his friend David and my cousin Adrianna because we were going to the chinese buffet by David's house. I had a fun time with my people. When we left the chinese buffet, we took pictures on the way back to David's house. We got to Dave's house and were just chilling, chatting up and being silly. Kevin and I were definitely being all lovey-dovey that night, him always asking me for a kiss and me always wanting to be near him, hugging him.
Song Of The Week: "Here I Stand" by Usher, the title track of his new CD. Kevin put me on to it,lol. I love this song