Sunday, June 8, 2008

Thoughts For The Evening/Morning

At this specific moment, I have a number of things on my mind.

Now,I just got through doing something that some may think that a jealous,non-trusting girlfriend would do. I agree with the saying, "curiosity killed the cat", because my curiosity defintely gets the best of me. I know I'm nosy. I feel that I need to know about things because people hardly tell me on their own. So I have to find a way to find out the things I want to know. The thing I did was read Kevin's messages on his MySpace account. It was wrong, yes, but he gave me his password to change something on his page. He has nothing to hide, which is why he wasn't hesitant as to give me his password. I was curious and I read his messages. I didn't find anything, which, deep down, I know I wouldn't. But I feel a certain way now, after reading those messages. [Sidebar: Sometimes, I tend to over-analyze things, and I am about to do that now] He had an ex girlfriend who he was really into, but she basically had too much going on with herself and her life to keep a relationship with him. She played games with him as well. While I read through his messages, I saw that on the same day we went on a date, he was still talking to her, which he told me he stopped talking to her in July. Then I saw that he told her to hit him up, 2 days after we got together. They had a brief conversation where she mentioned that she is moving to Georgia and going to Clark Atlanta. He said that he's trying to go to Georgia Tech and "maybe I'll see you there". [Sidebar: The FUCK you saying maybe I'll see you there for? Honestly, that's some shit I would say to flirt. You don't have to be nice, just say what you have to say and keep it moving]. She even asked about him to his homegirl while they were at school. It's either she's not over him or she still has feelings for him. He told me he's over her and all that good stuff and I believe him, but she just needs to let it go and move the fuck on. Of course, if you cared for him, you would still think about him, but still, leave it alone, don't act on it, you feel me? That's how I feel because I am honestly at a point in my life where I don't want to contact any ex-boyfriends or any dudes I used to talk to. They don't mean anything to me, AT ALL, and talking to them isn't going to do anything for me.

I am in it (love) deep. Nothing can take me out and I don't want it to. I have so much to give in a relationship and it's taken a while for me to find a person that is very willing to take and embrace what it is I have to give. It has also come early in my life, which kind of leaves me a little sideways about the situation. I hate being negative and being doubtful, but from where I came from (the person I was before), being negative was normal. Sometimes, I think that Kevin is going to change how he feels about me and leave me. I can't take that. We've been through so much and have given so much to each other, that if that was to happen (god forbid), I would feel so empty and sad. The way I'm feeling right now is such a great feeling. To know that there is someone that loves you just as much as you love them. I am in love with him as well, which is a different feeling. It's defintely a selfless feeling. It's like, whatever you do, you think about the other person first, before yourself.

I would be deeply hurt if I knew Kevin was doing something behind my back. I defintely would be a different person after it were to happen. I would be so heartbroken and upset, words can't even describe it. I thank God all the time for putting Kevin in my life the way he did. I know that I am blessed in many ways and for each way, I'm grateful. I am greatly grateful for the blessing that is this relationship with Kevin. In my heart, I know that me and him will be together " 'til death do us 'part." The feelings we have are too strong to not act upon. He was talking to his ex girl from junior high, [Sidebar: I haven't spoken with anyone from junior high in YEARS,lol], and he was saying that if he were to get married, I would be the one. This was when we were with each other for 6 months. June makes it 10 months and I'm certain that things have changed from February, or at least when he said that.

I want our future to go as smooth as it is right now. I'm smiling a bit because I'm thinking about the first time he said "I love you" (November 16,2007). Then the next day, we got off the phone and he called me back because he forgot to tell me "I love you." Since then, there hasn't been a day where he forgets to (or doesn't) tell me. Kevin has my heart and no one can take that away from him.

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