Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I Understand

completely why people don't want to get into a relationship.

Your heart and emotions are thrown like caution to the wind. There's always a risk you're taking. Then as the relationship goes on, you see who someone truly is, how they act, all that stuff. You gotta deal with the bullshit they bring and their issues, along with yours. You have to "trust" and you have to "believe" their word and their actions. But when they don't follow through, on more than one occassion, that "trust" and "belief" begins to slowly fade away. And then what? This shit is not easy, at all. It only gets harder as the months and years pass by. When you get to 2, 3, 4 years, you wonder if this relationship was beneficial or detrimental to you as a whole.

Too many things to think about and take into consideration.

Monday, August 30, 2010


I hate wasting time, especially when it can be used valuably.

I just started my job so I'll have maybe 2, 3 days off at the most. I know that when Kevin starts school and his job, then we really won't have any time to spend with each other. We usually hang out at his house and I have no problem with that. But when his mom is home from work, I know that we can't spend time together.

MY thing is, why does that have to determine if we see each other or not? There are other things that we can do, but because your mom isn't home, we have to suffer.

He says, "Be positive. Know that things will get better." How am I supposed to know that when shit like this keeps happening? I know that when he goes back to school and works, that it's going to be even harder to spend time with each other as it is.

Friday, August 27, 2010

3 Years Ago

I met the love of my life and 3 years ago today, I made it official with him. I remember like it was yesterday....

It was the day before the first day of classes and we were talking on the phone in my new dorm room. We were just talking about each other and where we want to take this and he asked me, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I was kind of surprised. A couple of minutes later, I replied, "Yes" and that's when our story began.

We've been through some ups and some downs; in the relationship and in our personal lives and through it all, we still stayed together, held each other down and helped one another get through it.

I really couldn't ask for anything (or anyone) else. So Happy 3 year anniversary to Kevin & I !

The first picture we took together : September 2007, Labor Day weekend

Chillin at a mutual friend's house, being silly : June 2008

I threw him a surprise kickback for his birthday : June 2009

Took me out for my 21st birthday at our fav spot, lol : May 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

First Day Of Clases...Wait...What?

So today is the first day of classes at Howard University and I follow quite a few of their students. At this moment right now, I won't front, I'm a bit sick about it, lol. I'm seeing tweets like:

"It's the beginning to an end"

"S/O to #2011"

"We almost out of here"

And even though I am happy for the people that are ACTUALLY seniors and that will ACTUALLY graduate, there's something inside of me that feels like a failure. I'm here in New York, working while my peers are in D.C., on the road to graduation. People go at their own pace, I know, but it's taking me a while to accept it.

I wonder if people will wonder why I'm not there. Not that I care, but I already have the idea in my head about the people I used to be cool with and I'm pretty sure they won't even notice. If they ask me about my whereabouts, they're getting straight ignored, because they never gave a damn before, so why the hell you trying to be concerned now? Yall just being nosy, at this point and I won't give them the satisfation.

My new expected graduation date is 2012. As long as I graduate, right?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Switch It Up

Since my last post, things have been looking up.

Kevin and I haven't fought. It's been almost a week since our last fight and we're good, back to normal, I would say.

I've been going IN on the job search; 47 jobs in 4 days. I know, I don't play, lol. Had a couple of interviews and I start training for one job on Saturday so, YAY HOORAY YIPPEE for me! lol. Depending on how demanding this job will be, I'll most likely look for another job in a couple weeks.

I feel more like myself and I'm trying not to stress myself out by overthinking things; I try to think of how blessed I am as opposed to what I don't have. Things should be good from here on out.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I haven't been this consistantly unhappy since probably junior high school when I was going through some personal stuff. It was kind of a dark time for me then.

Today's weather depicts me quite perfectly.

Rain = tears

Grey skies = how I feel inside

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


So, I'm highly considering taking off a semester of school. Well, I'm going to do it, I already made that decision. I have NO money for a place to live and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so, so I believe my best bet is to take off school. I'm currently searching high and low for a job that I can work for my time in NY. Starting today, I'm going to apply to jobs every single day. I'm giving myself til mid-September and then if things don't go according to plan, I'm going to go to Delaware. I think it's the best choice for me right now.

I haven't told Kevin what I'm going to do and I'm not sure if I will. I don't know, we've been up and down a lot lately and I'm not sure how my decision will affect him. I don't want him to lose focus of school and possible work because I'm home longer than usual. If he knew I was home and I didn't tell him, he would probably get mad. It's already an issue that we hardly see each other, but when I work and he has school and work, it'll most likely put more of a strain on our relationship.

I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be comfortable living my life and I'm not. I'm trying very hard to build my patience and positivity. I hope it's working and being noticed.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

What's The Point

in being in a relationship when I feel like I'm single?

Guys come up to me and approach me and I do the right thing, I tell them, "No, I'm in a relationship, I don't want you're number, I'm not interested." I could lie and be like, "I'm single" or, "Yeah, I have a boyfriend but we could chill." I could be a sheisty ass chick with it, but NO, I respect Kevin and my relationship and I don't see the point in cheating or hurting him. But what about me? You don't even have time for me, so why not find someone else that does?