Sunday, May 17, 2009

Thinking & Re-Evaluating

Watching this video just got me thinking ALL DAY, lol. Before I write, I must say that I love B.Scott, he is just ::sighs:: the best, lol. He be a-preaching and just...well let me just say that this is the 2nd time that I've watched a video of his that has hit a nerve with me, in a good way.

Ok, so I'm going home (Brooklyn) on Tuesday and I'm missing a lot of my friends, especially my best friends. The group of girls I spent my high school years with are the besties I miss the most. Even though we may not talk with each other often, when we come back together, we know the deal. We just have that bond and that understanding. I love them and I can honestly say that they are my true blue friends. NOW, I have another friend (who shall remain nameless) who I've been friends with for a while. I love her to death, I do, but I don't think I can continue our friendship any longer.

She is the PRIME example of a number 3 (see the B.Scott video above). Me, me, me, me, it's all about me when it comes to her. I can talk about one thing and she will somehow, someway, revert it back to herself and it's sickening. I really don't know how to break it off and I'm not too sure how to. I've told her about this before but she didn't take well to it. She wasn't like this during our whole friendship, but I guess people change you and you forget who you truely were (are). But I'll tell you this: she will be getting the heave-ho out of my life eventually.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

So Out Of It

Yesterday was my birthday, I'm 20 years old. ::unenthusiastically:: yippee.

I'm just so out of it right now. I'm just thinking about school and this house I'm supposed to move into. I haven't looked at my grades because I'm afraid of what it will tell me: if I'm still a student at Howard or not. I don't want to think negatively, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about everything, but it's just so hard. With this house, I'm filling out this rental application and I have NOTHING to show. I have no job, no source of income, NO MONEY, no nothing. I'm just hoping that the landlord knows that this is what he's getting into with college students. Then this shit is due by friday and my dad and I just started talking about it today. He's giving me the money for the security deposit and I'm so grateful for that because I have nothing. Then, I'm wondering if I should stay in Delaware to work or should I come to NY like I said I would and promised everyone I was coming home, but making money is more important, honestly. I dunno how the job market is back in NY, but I'll take anything, that McDonald's money isn't too bad when you tryna make some quick money. I know, I've worked there before.

::sighs:: I don't know too much of anything at this point. I'm just confused and I don't like feeling confused.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Yes, I am home. I left Howard today and I'm home in Delaware. I'm so glad, lol. Just get a break from school and stuff. It went by really quickly, it's kinda scary. Next thing you know it'll be me sitting on the yard at my commencement.

I probably will vlog either on my birthday or later in the week. I want to vlog, had fun doing my first one.

Um, oh yeah, my birthday is on tuesday, I'll be 20 years old (yikes). Lol, I'll probably get some cards from my fam and most likely I'll buy something for myself since my birthday gift from my mom was keeping me in school and my dad's gift is probably the security deposit he's giving me for the house. At least when I get home, I know my babes is gonna go all out for his girl.

I'm just enjoying the time I'll be here because as soon as I get to NY, I will be hitting the pavement.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I don't want to say, "I'm about to get deep"...Imma just put it out there

Ok, so my mom says that I go on without a care in the world. In a way, I agree. If it's out of my hands, it's out of my hands, there's nothing I can do about it. I go by " things happen for a reason" and they do. But being a human, I want to know the reason right now.

Sophomore year was a hard year for me. In my first semester, I did horrible, which put me on academic probation. Now I'm at the end of my "sophomore" year, it's a possibility that I won't be coming back to Howard in the fall. I don't want to leave, my dream was to graduate from here. But if I have to leave, then I have to leave. School means a lot to me and I'll do what I have to do to make my dreams come true, but I have to deal with things one at a time. What if my life plan wasn't to be at Howard? What if I wasn't supposed to finish college? If you fight against it and choose the wrong path, you'll know because it doesn't feel right. But you know what? Being here feels right to me but there are always obstacles that get in my way. That's life for you, you gotta take the good with the bad.

I can't take negativity, I can't be around it, I can't deal with it. I live my life as positively as I can. My friend is stressed about our living situation, but it's like, you don't know the whole situation and what can possibly come from it, so you gotta stay as positive as you can. And if the shit doesn't work out, then you gotta move on. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable with going back home, not knowing where I'm going to live.

::sighs:: I have to start taking responsibility. No matter how much I don't want to grow up, I have to. I'm becoming an adult so I have to start acting and thinking like one.
Aight... this post won't be hard to write, but I'm just tryna get my thoughts together. Some things I want to point out about myself, relationship-wise. When I get into a fight with Kevin, I get really mad or upset and I say really mean things. I talk mad shit so he can feel what I'm feeling. I think I do that so he can know how I feel and not do things to make me feel the way I do. Sometimes, I feel bad and give in and apologize or talk to him, but only when I feel I'm wrong, because I'm not going to apologize just so you can feel good. If I'm truly sorry, I'll say it.

Last night started off by him getting a bit upset I guess because I was laughing at something he said, something really small. So he tells me he's gonna hang with his homegirl (his good friend from H.S.). Truth be told, I get a weird vibe about this friendship. I honestly feel that either he used to like her or she used to like him. When he told me this, I just responded with 1 word answers and lied to him, telling him I was cool. I have a bad habit of doing that, saying I'm good instead of just straight out telling him how I feel. I go to sleep, wake up and he hits me up,telling me he decided to hang out with the girl. So I'm like ok,like it doesn't faze me. He knew something was wrong, but I just tried to end the convo because I knew what was coming and I knew I would get over it (at the moment) if we just stopped talking about it. But he insisted, so I went in on him.

Basically, I told him his friendship with her made me feel uncomfortable and it didn't sit well with me. The last time he saw her, he went to her house and was hanging out with her family, like playing with her baby sister and kicking it with her parents and shit. I feel like that's something you do with your girlfriend, not your friend. I don't know if I'm taking it to the heart but it just made me really emotional. I have friends and I don't be kicking it at their house like that. Even my close male friends, I'll be cool with the fam, but I'm not gonna chill over there like that. It's just weird to me, I'm not getting a normal vibe. THEN he talks to her about me. Example: the last time I came home, he was supposed to get me something to eat and I didn't eat all day because I was expecting the food. He didn't bring me anything so I was PISSED. I didn't talk to him while he took me home. we get to my house and he asks if I need help with my bags. Um, I carried my bags the way home this whole time, I don't need your help up the stairs. So he left and was like, I'll let you know when I get home. He txt's me and we're arguing via txt. So the next day, we're cool and all and I see a text to her, where he's like, oh yeah, me and her are fighting, blah blah blah, something along those lines. First of all, DO NOT talk to no next biddie about me, especially if it is a small situation. It's so bad that you have to cry to some next girl about some small shit I did, reeeaallly? You gotta be kidding me. I understand if it's a big situation and you have no clue in handling it, but something as small as a lil argument/disagreement?

::sighs:: If he thinks I'm mean, lol, he doesn't know mean because I can go IN, trust me. The things I say to him are mere child's play to what I actually want to say at times. But to spare his feelings, I hold me tounge because I know after I say those mean things, I don't mean it...well maybe not completly.