Thursday, November 27, 2008
Today marks the day Kevin and I have been together for 1.3 years (1 year and 3 months). It's not that serious, but I don't know, we like to keep track of things like that,lol. He pissed me off tonight (again). Oh well,I'm not going to let him ruin me feeling good.
I was going to go to New York this weeked to be with my girlies. On Saturday, they were going to go out to a Thai restaurant for the baby of the group's birthday (Jarena) but I won't be going. Due to some monetary issues, I'll be in Delaware for my whole Thanksgiving break. In all honesty, I did want to stay here and spend time with my family and I'm glad that I'm not going. Plus, there's so much traveling involved in such a small amount of time and my sleep pattern has been off for the past 2 weeks due to me going to NY 2 weekends in a row. The girlies will just have to wait to see me until December.
Anyway, I'm about to go grate some cheese for my daddy's macaroni & cheese. I just finished making some cranberry-apple relish. I can't wait to eat! lol
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I know I take things to the extreme sometimes, but that's the only way I know how to act at times. It's something I have to change and I am working on that.
That's it I guess. I'm trying to relax before I leave at like 2 AM to go to NY.
Oh yeah, I'm staying in NY for the weekend.
He just gets on my nerves sometimes that I just wanna chop his fuckin head off. (I think this is the stress talking).
I'm going to New York for a trip tomorrow morning and I was planning on staying to spend time with Kevin, but I'm not too sure about that now. Why would I want to be with someone who annoys the hell out of me at this moment?
I'm just so stressed and it would be nice if my boyfriend can be there for me and make me feel better. Granted, he doesn't remember I'm stressed, but when I tell his ass, he'll be like , "Oh yeah,because of blah blah blah right?" All I want his clueless ass to do is just try to make me feel better by cracking a joke, telling me how much he loves me, just do something that will take my mind off the stress, not add on to it.
Like last night, he was telling me he was on AIM and I asked him if that "girl" hit him up [Sidebar: Last Sunday, his ex-girlfriend hit him up and I was using his screen name at the time and I let her know that this wasn't Kev, it was his girl and to basically step off and leave my boyfriend alone. You still like him and you know he has a girlfriend. Long story short, she tried to shut me down by being the ghetto bird that she is and like the young woman I am, I kept it short,sweet and profane free] and he was like, "Yeah she hit me up today actually."Surprised, I asked him what did they talk about. He said she asked why was I acting the way I did and why did I come at her crazy and all other types of bullshit. He responded by saying,that's my girl and she was just letting you know the deal. That right there I think was the tipping point. I'm asking him why is he still talking to this girl if yall aren't even friends? He's telling me how he has no beef with her and he doesn't hit her up, she hits him up on AIM and he just talks to her. I was SO upset, I haven't been that upset before. I let him know that everything I told her that day is now canceled out, it made no sense becuase you're still talking to her and she's the type to think "Oh, she told me to leave her man alone but he's still hitting me up." Then after he sees how upset this makes me, he makes the decision then and there to dead this "relationship" they have. I tell him this issue never occured to you until I said something about it, you didn't have a problem with it until I brought it up. I knew one reason he made the decision was because I didn't like what was going on. I appreciated that, but at the same time, I don't want him to make his own decisions based on what I like and dislike. ::sighs:: just thinkin about it is giving me a headache. OH and then, after we discuss this whole situation, he asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell him. I told him how much I loved him a lot and that I won't let anything get between us, what we have and what we're trying to gain. He had the nerve, yes , thee nerve, to ask me if I told him that because of the situation. That made me MORE upset because my emotions are at a high and you're gonna come and ask me that dumbass question? You have GOT to be kidding me. He apologized but in my mind, I'm like, you're just digging yourself deeper and deeper. I just hung the phone up on him. It was rude, I know, but I didn't care
So we're talking tonight and nothing is being said on both sides. I feel that he needed to redeem himself of last night, but did he ever think of that? Of course not, because he has a penis. The conversation is going nowhere and he asked me if I want to go to bed. I might as well because aint shit going on here. I think I hung up on him again, I don't know, don't care either.
I really don't feel like talking to him tomorrow and if he hits me up, I'll probably ignore it or tell him to leave me alone. I'm really thinking if I want to stay in NY after the trip and as of right now, it's a no.
This song kinda of expresses how I feel (another joint heard off of Renaissance Black Woman, lol). It's called "Release Me" by Dawn Richards of Danity Kane. I just need to release (not in the way she was talking about though, lol) and relax, that's all I want to do. I want to do it with him, but he's not acting right, mm-mm, no ma'am
Friday, November 14, 2008
I like them in this color, as well as black. These are $139.99 on stevemadden.com
I have this thing for plaid shirts now. I love the look and the simplicity of them. You can dress it up and dress it down. Here are some I like the most
Elisa Plaid Shirt from dELiAs for $34.50. The purple one looks good too
You know I can't go without a pair of kicks,lol. I have a fetish. When I see a HOT ass pair of kicks, I get so excited, my heart starts beating fast, no lie, lol
Nike Air Max 97 in black/cool grey/white for $92.99 in kids. They're real clean and sleek. I'm bout to get my pair soon. Kev and I saw them at the mall last sunday. Both of us were hype, lol. ::singsong:: But I'm getting mine before hiiiimmm, lol
Some things I have my eye on. Most likely, I will get all of these items (let's hope, lol)
1) School - It has taken over my life,lol. I can say I'm doing pretty well. Classes and doing all this work makes me tired, but I'm pulling through. Aside from grades, I'm kind of going through something with Howard. Now, I did my FAFSA and it was sent in and they made my package for the school year. Down the line,I thought I was going to do my taxes (I don't know why) and I made a change that didn't need to be made (so I was told recently). Now my financial aid hasn't been dispersed and due to that, I have a hold on my account. This hold will not allow me to see any type of grades (midterm or final) or more importantly, register for spring semester classes. The last day to register for classes was today and after today, I have to pay a late registration fee. If I can't get into any classes through late registration, I will have to beg, plead, and cry for some of these professors to allow me to override into their class. Then on top of that, I have to have at least 14 credits to be a full time and if I don't have that, it's a possibility that I may either have to take a semester off or transfer to another school. I REALLY do not want to leave Howard. My plan was to go there and graduate from there and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go talk to my advisor about this on Monday. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God. I guess I will just have to put it in his hands and let him handle it.
2) God - Like I said, I'm not religious, but I believe in God. I don't like when people shove religion down people's throats. Not everyone believes in the same thing. You have to accept people and their preferences. I don't go to church, but I would like to start. I went to my bestfriend's church for Easter and the service was beautiful, I throughly enjoyed it. There wasn't a time where I was bored or wasn't applying everything the pastor said in my life. I would definitely go there again and I am actually going to try to every chance I'm in New York. I know that I should include the Lord in my life more than he has been. He definitely gets recognition from me and deserves more than I've been giving him.
3) Money - I need a job,lol. Just to have money at my disposal, being able to do what I want, buy what I want, when I want to. I'm maintaining, but I wanna be a lil step above maintaining,lol. Imma be good though, things like that don't really bother me.
4) Kevin & I - Just been thinking about how much I love this kid. I really want to be with him for the rest of my life. We talk about getting married and starting a family. I just want him to be 100% sure that this is what he wants. He thinks about this more than I do,lol. Always talking about what's gonna happen with our kids and whatnot, it's real cute. His words are sincere and I know he means everything he tells me. I see my life and where I will be and he's a part of that. I've always known what I wanted in a significant other and in a relationship and this is it. I didn't think I would get it so early in my life though. At times, it makes me wonder if it will last because of how young we are, but I shake that feeling. We're doing good now and that's all we can worry about. The future will come and we'll see if what we said will come into fruition (I like that word, lol)
5) Food - Ay yi yi,lol. Like,being at Howard has made me gain weight, at least for my first year. But since I've been here for sophomore year? Psshhh, I know I'm losing weight. At times, I'll only eat once a day and that's on a good day. I really am trying to cut down my fast food/junk food intake and it's not really working when everything around you is fast food. After I'm done with classes, I am so tired, I won't even go to the cafe to eat. Since school is almost over, I think I'm going to cook (we have stovetops) until I go home for winter break. I know for sure that I'll eat if I have food here. I get so hungry at times but because I don't want to leave Meridian, I won't eat. Plus, I'm sick of eating fast food. When I went to Kevin's house last week, his mom made some turkey wings with this yellow rice and green peas. I tore that plate up,lol. I'll be beyond happy come Thanksgiving. Ah man,it's thee best,lol
::sighs:: whoo,feels good to get that off my chest
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
[Sidebar: Can we say Obama!?!?]
I've been really drained with school and just trying to get by. I'm trying as hard as I can to remain positive about everything. It's a bit hard but I know that things will pull through and I will get what I want.
Kevin and I are still together. We discussed the issue in the previous 2 entries. I love him very much and we have plans for our lives together. I did hurt him by what I did and that hurt me to know what I did. He forgave me and I will definitely not take my relationship for granted.
I was supposed to go to Binghamton,NY for a carnival they have annually by SUNY Binghamton. I pulled out on my friend last minute because of personal reasons (school,funds). I just feel like I should be staying here and focusing on school, since there are only about 2 1/2 weeks left until the first semester is over. My friend/cousin is VERY upset because of how things are happening and she's being real sour. Not everyone is balling like you,come on now. It's a recession, plus people have more importnat things to put their time,money and energy into. You just have to suck it up and keep it moving. You can't have everything go your way, take it from someone who is kinda spoiled.
Q-Tip's new CD, "The Renaissance" debuted Novemeber 4th and I must say it is GREAT!!!! lol, I really love it. Who can't? Check it out at http://www.imeem.com/qtip. When I went home (Brooklyn) last weekend, Kevin & I were watching him on VH1 Soul's "Soundstage."
I have an essay to write that's due tomorrow so I'm bout to get that started,lol (so sad).
Saturday, November 1, 2008
So, I've been talking to this guy from Harlem for about 2 weeks. He graduated from Hampton University last year, he's an aviation technition, 23 years old, he lives in Virginia. I met him at my homecoming. I like him and he likes me, but I started liking him to the point where I wanted to see how it would be to be in a relationship with him. I knew feeling that way wasn't right so I had to tell Kevin. I didn't tell him ASAP because I thought I could handle it; I didn't know that feelings would escalate or be mutual. Thursday night, I was just thinking if I want to be exclusive to Kevin or be with him and we can be able to see other people. I also realized that Harlem World couldn't give me what Kevin does.
I decided to tell kevin what was going on. We're honest in this relationship and I felt that he should know. Also, if I tell him, it would make it A LOT easier for me to eliminate this dude. Kevin was very pissed when I told him. Not even pissed, mad was the word. At times, there would be 10 minute silences between us.
I hope he takes into consideration that I was honest with him, that I know what I want and that I'm sorry. I love him so much and I hope that I didn't hurt him. If I did, things between us would be really tense. I was going to call himr back but I figured he needed space. He said he'll "holla at me later" but who knows?
It's getting harder. Most people know that whenever I talk about Kevin, I'm all smiles and happy, but lately I'm just real...eh about it. I don't feel happy in this relationship as I have before and it just makes me think that something is wrong. I feel like I'm putting more into this relationship than he is. I don't want this relationship to fail because I'm in love with him. He's the only person that can tolerate my bullshit and put up with my shit. The only dude who basically knows the most about me. I've completely opened up to him. I want this relationship to work. I need to talk to him but when I get the chance, I disregard it. There will always be things about a person that gets on your nerves, but lately, it seems like everyday there is something he does to annoy me. He's always forgetting something. I either have to repeat myself or continuously tell him something over and over again. Then I feel like me and him aren't on the same page. I know exactly what I want in my life and what I want to do. Kevin knows what he wants to do as well, but I feel he hasn't made the steps towards those things.
This is the second day in a row that I've teared up thinking about this. I don't know if it's something that will pass or what.
You can't remain the same in a relationship. As the relationship changes, you have to change along with it, or you'll get left. I feel like Kevin is still the same person he was when I got with him. I know I've changed and I wonder if he's noticed that as well.