I'm a person that believes that being alone is something beneficial. If there's no one that understands you and listens to you, then you know you have yourself for that. I hate being ignored, but I'm the only person that can pay the most attention to myself, the way I want to be paid attention. Did that make sense?

Sometimes I say things that only make sense to me.

My mind is just on a roll with these thoughts; they're coming at me a mile a minute.

Does isolation hinder or assist? I guess it can go either way. I don't mind being alone, being by myself, but when I come back to the "world", I want to be welcomed with open arms. If I don't get that from the world and I get all the recognition and attention from being alone, which would you pick?

Feeling Lonely

I feel lonely, for some reason.

I know that I can push people away or ignore them or not even make the effort to get to know someone better or even allow someone to get to know me. I'm just stuck in my way of keeping to myself and thinking that everyone is against me.

New 'Do

Ok, in a couple weeks, it will be 6 months since I got a perm. It's pretty much been that way because the funds haven't been looking healthy. I was thinking about going natural (in a way, I was) but I changed my mind. At the point in my life right now, I don't have the time to really deal with natural hair. I have to do research, prepare myself before I take this major step. All in all, I'm not ready yet. BUT I will be going natural within the next 2-3 years, I just don't want to do it now. No, I have not seen "Good Hair" so I don't know what secrets Chris Rock has revealed to the world about perm and black hair.

As soon as I get home, I'm going to pay a visit to Annie's Hair Salon and have her hit me off with that "creamy crack." Do you think it's addicting though? I'm not sure. If I've gone this long without a perm, I think I can go without it for years. My hair has only been permed for 6 years. I know people that have had their hair permed since they were 5,6 and their 20 now. That's a LONG ass time. Along with silky roots, I'm going for a new hairdo. I'm really excited. I don't know what's making me become so risky, lol. I want to cut my hair like

that. She's been my hair muse for a while now and now I'm ready to make that leap. I'm thinking about cutting it to the length that has catapulted her into a fashion icon, you know, the short do. Not sure if it will fit my face or if it will look good on me. They have websites for things like that, so I'll look into it, lol.

Deep down, I'm gonna miss the "length" of my hair, but it's hair; it will grow back. By cutting it, it'll give it the chance to grow possibly stronger and healthier. Regardless if you're hair is short or long, the first thing you should want, is for your hair to be healthy.

Missing You

It's mad late, or early, depending on who's reading, lol. But I'm just up, thinking about going back home to Brooklyn and thinking about hanging out with my besties. ALL of them, lol.

I'm thinking about the times I've been with Sexy 6 (Whitney, Naeemah, Jarena, Egypt, Shazel) and we just cracking jokes, reminisicing about the high school days, acting the damn fool and just LAUGHING. Now when I come home, I get to see my lil "niece" Samaya, a new baby in my life, lol.

I'm thinking about all the times me and Milly would be at her house just acting SO stupid and all the new friends I made through her. Her father joking on me and us just laughing like fools, lol. Me tryna find something to eat in her house, it ever fails. I'm thinking about the times I would be chilling with Alley and just talking about life, talking about relationships, throwing little funny things in to say. Then all three of us hanging and it's never a dull moment, NEVER, lol. Hanging out with Dorian, just being so stupid and acting like true brother and sister. Chillin with Rholan's ass and him always saying something to just have me giggle. I'm always in a good mood when I'm with him or any of these people.

All these people have a special place in my heart and I miss them so much. I've been so stressed in D.C. and I truly need a break. Being in the presence of these special people makes everything better and I would love to experience that ASAP. I have to wait until December though. It'll be well worth it though, I'm so excited, lol.

Confused & Lost

That's how I feel. I feel so out of control of my life and I don't like that.

I just want to go away and I can't even do that. The places I want to go, I have no way to get there.

I'm up. I'm down. I'm like a flat line, that's the best way I can explain it.

Have you ever just wanted to throw everything away? Just stop everything for a while and just be.

I feel trapped.

I just want it to stop.

I Feel Like...

A bum.

I have no job and I hardly have any food in my kitchen. My dad sent me some groceries, but it hasn't gotten here yet. I've hardly been eating since Sunday and my stomach is just on empty. I feel sick because I have only been eating once a day. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I'm trying so hard to see the good in every situation I'm in. I keep telling myself that it can only get better. I went to an open house today and it went really well.

I'm just so frustrated. I honestly have no friends to talk to because, no one's trying to hear my plight, no one is going through what I'm going through, no one has anything worthy to say about my situation and no one is willing to help. I feel lonely. The only person I can talk to about this is my mom and Kevin and I'm grateful for that because if I had NO ONE to talk to about what I'm going through, I would probably be depressed.

I'm just listening to Sam Sparro's "Still Hungry." Whenever I feel down, alone or borderline depressed, I listen to this song

"I'm not ungrateful, I just want more from the life I lead..."

Bored

Bored on a Saturday night. Yup, story of my life, lol.

I'm just chilling right now under my quilt, watching TV. I would go out but
1) I'm broke

and

2) I'm not really feeling it

My stomach is about to eat itself and I can't rip myself away from the bed, it's nice and warm, lol. I'll give in eventually.

See that I changed up the blog? Yeah, the blue motif was real blahh and depressed. I've made the decision to not go natural after 5 months of not getting a perm. I just can't take it. I don't know what to do with my hair anymore. I'm tired of wearing hats, it's getting old. So I'll be getting a perm when I go home to Brooklyn. Then I'm gonna chop it up for a short style, about up to my chin. Yup, lol.

Nothing really going on with my life other than school. I've been looking for a job and I'm still looking. I'm keeping positive about it. I've gotten through this far and I'm just taking things one day at a time.

I'm attempting to make my way back to blogging, as you can see. I'm also going to start to vlog once in a while. I don't have any editing skills/programs so it's just gonna come to you as you see it, lol

I'm Going Crazy

I gotta go home.

I'll take Delaware or Brooklyn, but I can't stay in D.C.

I have to regain my sanity, lol. I'm just tired of being at school man.

I gotta get away...