Today was a...very long day. I am very exaughsted, but I need to get my feelings out. I guess I can start from 12 AM, when I was at Kevin's house.
So, lately, I've been going over Kevin's house to hang out. I like being over there, I just feel comfortable. Plus, his family likes me, so I don't feel threatened or uneasy. We were chillin at the house, holding each other, kissing, watching TV and such. It was around 2 AM and I was laying on him on the couch and I told him that I just wanted him to hold me. As he was holding me, I was thinking, "I really can't live my life without him. And if I had to do, I would be so sad." Thinking this, I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong and we talked about that I was thinking. He told me that he felt the same exact way. He also told me that I am the only one for him and that he wants me to be his wife, to have his children, to live in our house and have the life we planned for ourselves together. We exchanged our "I love you's" and I was still being held. Then I started thinking about the two times I was very hurt (Blain & Ramel) and I just couldn't stand being hurt by Kevin because against my will, he definitely has a great piece of me. I also love him with my heart, mind, body, and soul and being hurt from someone that you love that intensely would just damage you in the worst way. I started crying again and started telling him why I was crying. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and that I shouldn't worry about that, nor should I think about things like that. After us talking a bit, I called for a cab and went home. I got home by 3:20 AM and called Kevin to let him know that I was fine. I went to sleep at 3:45 AM.
I woke up at 6:30 AM and got myself ready for my best friend's graduation. I left my house at 7:20 AM, bought a croissant at the store and was on my way to the train station. I got my hair done, I was looking very nice and I was just feeling good about myself, vibing to A Tribe Called Quest and N.E.R.D. on my way to her house. I got there around 7:40 Am and we left at 8:10 AM. The graduation was at the chapel at Columbia University on 116th & Amsterdam. It was a really nice graduation. Her graduating class is small, so a group of them would go up with their "teacher" and the teacher would say a few things about the student, then give the student a chance to give thanks or say a little something. When my best friend was about to go up,she was crying a bit and I was just so proud of her. It started at 10 AM and ended at 12 PM. After the ceremony, Mellissa (my bestie) was talking pics with her friends, walking around, just being herself, lol. We ended up going to this chinese restaurant (it was a real restaurant, not the hood chinese food spots,lol) called Ollie's on 84th & Broadway. I had chicken & broccoli with fried rice. The food tasted good and the rice tasted clean, like it wasn't fried off a caked up wok and whatnot. Mellissa's dad was driving and me and her were just knocked OUT in that car, lol. As soon as I woke up, it started raining. They dropped me off home around 3 PM and I thought that would be the end of my day until...
...the rain cleared up and I called Lauren. Due to the weather, I still wanted to see if she was coming to Manhattan so we can chill, like we planned. She let me know that she was still coming and I left my house to go to Kevin's so we can leave and meet with her. I got to his house and was waiting for about 15 minutes. When we were about to leave, she called and told me that she was there, so we left and hopped on the train to get her. We got there and went to my favorite place, Johnny Rocket's, lol. [Sidebar: I do not, repeat, DO NOT, wear shoes of any sort but today was special, so I wore these loafers I got from Payless. Now, at this point in my day,my feet were killing me. So I'm making the decision to not buy anymore shoes from Payless. These joints are fucking up my feet]. We started walking down Broadway and I was showing her the sights, the different stores and things like that. It was cool and so was I. Eventually, my cool was wearing and I was starting to feel the pain on the inside of my right foot. We go into YRB (Yellow Rat Bastard) and just walking on the type of floor they had was KILLING me. So I was gettin upset and was telling Kevin how my feet were killing me and he says, "Just be tough for me, ok?" He definitely wasn't in my shoes (literally) because being tough was out of the question. I was starting to get upset. We're still walking, bout to reach Canal St. and Kevin asks me, "Wassup with tomorrow?" I just shrug my shoulders, because I didn't know. So we get to Canal and I let go of his hand so I can hold on to the rail with dear life. We get to where the we wait for the train and I sit down in relief. I didn't want to talk and Kevin sat between Lauren & I. Kevin was trying to get me to talk, but it wasn't working. We get on the train and the pain was HITTING me, literally. I am gripping my arm, damn near in tears due to the pain and Kevin asks me what's wrong. [Sidebar: What the fuck do you think is wrong with me? My fuckin feet are in the worst condition and I could not take the pain any more. Like, what the fuck else would be wrong with me? You should tell by the look on my face that I'm in pain]. So we get to the LIRR train station to drop Lauren off [Sidebar: I'm sorry Lauren for ending the day like that, I was just in a lot of pain and it was making me really upset] and after we leave, I ask him is he's taking the Q or the 2 or 3 train with me. He asks me, "Do you want me to go with you?". Now,I am in pain and am fighting my body to stand and you're asking me questions. All you had to say was a simple yes or no. So I ask him, "Do you want to come?", he says "It's up to you what you want to do." That just did it for me. So I say to him, "If you want to ride the train with me, ride the train, if you want to take the Q, take the Q. I don't care." All I was caring about was getting off my feet. So he says, "I'm taking the Q" and I left him right where he was. That was so fucked up to me. You know I'm in pain and you're going to leave me like that, not make sure that I get home and am feeling alright? So I got on the 3 and am trying not to think about my feet. As soon as I opened up my door, them shoes were off. By the time I got home, they hurt so much that I started crying. I was so tight at Kevin that I wasn't going to pick up his phone calls. Personally, I would've ignored them, but when he called, I was blasting my music. I was going to ignore his phone calls, not talk to him or see him tomorrow and go home without saying shit to him. He calls me again and I pick up because I know that I would have a feeling on my heart if I didn't tell him what was going on through my mind.
I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep and I am exaughsted. I'm off to bed.