Sometimes

This song (by Cassie, Prod. by Ryan Leslie), I just LOVE it. I can listen to it over and over again, as I'm doing right now. Because sometimes, "I wish I didn't love you so much." I'll get to that topic in a minute.

I had an interview with Maxim Digital yesterday for in internship. I think it really well. I hope that I get the internship because I need something to do. I can't stay stuck in this house almost everyday. I can't take it,lol. I'm going to apply to some more internships, some jobs. I'll be fine if I don't get an internship, but if I get a job, I'll be cool. I need SOMETHING,lol.

OK, back to the situation at hand. Now, I've been with Kevin for almost 9 months (makes 9 on the 27th) and it has been great, it has. But I feel as if I have changed a bit. Like, I make more time for him than my friends. But in all honesty, my friends don't really contact me like that. Back to my situation: for example, yesterday, I went to my interview and after that Kevin was going to call me from his nap around 1 PM and we were going to spend a nice day at this park in Manhattan by his school. I get home and I'm chillin, waiting for him to call me. [Sidebar: When I usually see Kevin, it's for a weekend once a month. Now I'm back for the summer and I'm trying to see him everyday, at least as much as possible] He calls me at 3 something and apologizes about not calling me because that;s when he woke up. I'm pretty pissed because this is something I wanted to do, plus he knows how I feel about seeing him. So I'm mad at him a bit but he asks me to come over his house and I told him to wait because I was watching "The Bad Girls Club Reunion" (Good stuff,lol). After the show cuts off,I leave and come over there. He tries to make me laugh and compliments me on my Juicy Couture bracelet (Thank you Bestie!!!) and I'm like, "Don't make me laugh, I'm still mad at you." We get to his house and sit down, looking at everything but him. I'm reading magazines on his coffee table, turned away from him and he's tryna get me to talk to him. By doing that, I had to let him know that everything is not going to go your way or everything is going to be fine and forgotten as soon as you make me laugh. He thinks that that's going to work and it's not. In the future, he might think he's gonna get away with some shit like that, but I have to nip that in the bud and nip it quick. I tell him that I was upset and he knows how I feel about seeing him. He apologizes again and tells me that he doesn't want me to be upset, he wants me to be happy. We discussed the situation at hand and I believe that it is resolved. I chill at his house for a bit and we leave to go grab something to eat at McDonald's. We walk to the train station and I get on the train to go home.

Today,I wake up at 3:09 PM and I do the "morning" routine and he calls me. So I called him back and he tells me about what he did today. He asks me what I'm getting into today and I thought he had plans for me and him. I'm like "Why,you gonna be busy or something?" He's like, "Nah,I just wanted to know." After about 20 minutes of being on the phone, he tells me, "Let me finish eating the chicken patty. Imma check this niggas (his friends, Bryan and Travis) and holla at you later. Imma hit you up later though." So I say "Bye Kevin." I never say bye and that should've triggered something in his head, but I doubt he thought anything of it.

The love that I have for this boy boggles my mind. It is so strong,so crazy to me. This relationship has changed my way of thinking, some of my actions, all that. Some of the things he says and does affects me and I really wish I didn't love him so much sometimes. I don't want to come off ungrateful, because trust me, Kevin is EVERYTHING I have ever wanted and I am so grateful to have him in my life as my partner. But when he does certain things, my emotions and feelings are at an all time high and by feeling that way, I feel vulnerable,a feeling that leaves me to be very open to anything.