One of my favorite pictures of us. One of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I love this dude so effin much. That's my babe right there.

The booski and I got into a fight last night and I guess we're not talking right now. Suprisingly, I'm doing well. I'm usually sad and all mopey but I'm feeling good, regardless of what's going on between us right now. I'm tired of the bullshit, I don't want to deal with it anymore. When you have your shit together and come correct, get back at me. So as of now, I'm not hitting him up. You did the crime, now pay the time. I'm waiting on him to come to me. Day 1 went smoothly, we'll see how long this lasts.

When I first got into this relationship with my boyfriend, it didn't cross my mind that there would be times that I'm going to be ridiculously lonely without him. It also didn't cross my mind that there would be times where we won't see each other for months at a time. We're going through something right now. He's working now, about to start school. I'm in D.C. for school, about to start working; we've never been this busy simultaneously. It was either we were both at school or I was was working and going to school and he was taking a break from school. It's hard for me to deal with because I don't know when I'm going to see him again and I have to get used to the fact that we're apart again. He said he's trying to figure out a way to get here and that he has to handle some things first before he can make this trip.

::sighs:: I just want him here but at the same time, I don't want him to make a decision that may jeopardize his job.


I WANT MY BABY

What I Want

And to think, I was going to delete my blogspot. Psshhh, I'm buggin'. This is one of the only things I can come to when no one (wants to) listen. A real human being would be great, but I have no one around so blogspot, you'll have to do.

Sooooooo, I'm going back to D.C. at the top of the new year, which is no more than 2 weeks away. I want to see as much people as I can before I go and one of those people is my boyfriend, Kevin. You guys may remember him, the only dude I talk about here. Anyway, I've been in New York since May and we've spent the most time together since we've been a couple (as soon as we got together, I went off to college, leaving us in a long distance relationship). Each day we've spent together has been wonderful, but now that the time for me to leave draws close, our plans always seem to get fucked up. It makes me really upset because I believe that he should spend as much time with me as he can. He makes somewhat of an effort, but I want more. I want things to go my way. When we say we're gonna hang with each other, that's it, no interruptions, no wrench in the plans, no nothing; just me, you, and the plans we made. It seems to be easier said than done. The reason we probably won't be seeing each other later today is because of this side job he does periodically. You're getting some type of money, ok, I shouldn't knock you, but understand how that's making me feel. Understand that there has been something that has allowed us to not do what we planned since late November.

I believe that I am a very understanding girlfriend. I let him hang with his friends, I hold him down when he needs to be held down, I'm there for him when he needs and/or wants it, when shit doesn't go our way, I help come to a mutual agreement, but I'm tired of doing that. Why can't things happen the way I want them to happen?

I can't even get my thoughts together because I'm so flustered by what's happening. I want to scream, kick, curse, and cry. My emotions are getting the best of me (time of the month). I want what I want and that's it.

I Don't Like This

I feel like I'm single and I don't like that feeling.

At the same time, I'm going to stand my ground and not give in. I will not be the first one to make the move, I always do that. I'm not going to be the one to break the silence and talk to you. You're the one who messed up, make the effort to fix it and I'll meet you half way.

He probably figures that he's giving me my space, but I never asked for that. I want you to bother me, to nag me until I'm ready to talk to you. I feel like he needs to put in work, not sit back and approach this when he's ready.

I'm tired of talking and sitting around, waiting for something to change. I've been patient long enough. I don't know how much of it I have left, to be honest. This shit is ridiculous.

I Understand

completely why people don't want to get into a relationship.

Your heart and emotions are thrown like caution to the wind. There's always a risk you're taking. Then as the relationship goes on, you see who someone truly is, how they act, all that stuff. You gotta deal with the bullshit they bring and their issues, along with yours. You have to "trust" and you have to "believe" their word and their actions. But when they don't follow through, on more than one occassion, that "trust" and "belief" begins to slowly fade away. And then what? This shit is not easy, at all. It only gets harder as the months and years pass by. When you get to 2, 3, 4 years, you wonder if this relationship was beneficial or detrimental to you as a whole.

Too many things to think about and take into consideration.

Time

I hate wasting time, especially when it can be used valuably.

I just started my job so I'll have maybe 2, 3 days off at the most. I know that when Kevin starts school and his job, then we really won't have any time to spend with each other. We usually hang out at his house and I have no problem with that. But when his mom is home from work, I know that we can't spend time together.

MY thing is, why does that have to determine if we see each other or not? There are other things that we can do, but because your mom isn't home, we have to suffer.

He says, "Be positive. Know that things will get better." How am I supposed to know that when shit like this keeps happening? I know that when he goes back to school and works, that it's going to be even harder to spend time with each other as it is.

3 Years Ago

I met the love of my life and 3 years ago today, I made it official with him. I remember like it was yesterday....

It was the day before the first day of classes and we were talking on the phone in my new dorm room. We were just talking about each other and where we want to take this and he asked me, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I was kind of surprised. A couple of minutes later, I replied, "Yes" and that's when our story began.

We've been through some ups and some downs; in the relationship and in our personal lives and through it all, we still stayed together, held each other down and helped one another get through it.

I really couldn't ask for anything (or anyone) else. So Happy 3 year anniversary to Kevin & I !

The first picture we took together : September 2007, Labor Day weekend

Chillin at a mutual friend's house, being silly : June 2008

I threw him a surprise kickback for his birthday : June 2009

Took me out for my 21st birthday at our fav spot, lol : May 2010

Switch It Up

Since my last post, things have been looking up.

Kevin and I haven't fought. It's been almost a week since our last fight and we're good, back to normal, I would say.

I've been going IN on the job search; 47 jobs in 4 days. I know, I don't play, lol. Had a couple of interviews and I start training for one job on Saturday so, YAY HOORAY YIPPEE for me! lol. Depending on how demanding this job will be, I'll most likely look for another job in a couple weeks.

I feel more like myself and I'm trying not to stress myself out by overthinking things; I try to think of how blessed I am as opposed to what I don't have. Things should be good from here on out.

Changes

So, I'm highly considering taking off a semester of school. Well, I'm going to do it, I already made that decision. I have NO money for a place to live and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so, so I believe my best bet is to take off school. I'm currently searching high and low for a job that I can work for my time in NY. Starting today, I'm going to apply to jobs every single day. I'm giving myself til mid-September and then if things don't go according to plan, I'm going to go to Delaware. I think it's the best choice for me right now.

I haven't told Kevin what I'm going to do and I'm not sure if I will. I don't know, we've been up and down a lot lately and I'm not sure how my decision will affect him. I don't want him to lose focus of school and possible work because I'm home longer than usual. If he knew I was home and I didn't tell him, he would probably get mad. It's already an issue that we hardly see each other, but when I work and he has school and work, it'll most likely put more of a strain on our relationship.

I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be comfortable living my life and I'm not. I'm trying very hard to build my patience and positivity. I hope it's working and being noticed.

What's The Point

in being in a relationship when I feel like I'm single?

Guys come up to me and approach me and I do the right thing, I tell them, "No, I'm in a relationship, I don't want you're number, I'm not interested." I could lie and be like, "I'm single" or, "Yeah, I have a boyfriend but we could chill." I could be a sheisty ass chick with it, but NO, I respect Kevin and my relationship and I don't see the point in cheating or hurting him. But what about me? You don't even have time for me, so why not find someone else that does?

I Miss

the hugs. the random kisses. him slipping his arm around my waist while we're walking. his laugh. his smile. holding his hand. him holding me from behind. him telling me he loves me first. HIM.

::sighs:: I hate being mushy and emotional sometimes but that's just who I am.

Supposed to hang out tomorrow, like we were supposed to on Tuesday. If all the things listed above happens, it'll solidify my reassurance. I need that old thing back or at least the closest thing to it.

Feeling Like

I'm in a long distance relationship when we're in the same state, same city, 30-45 minutes away from each other on foot.

I haven't seen him in a week and the week before that I haven't seen him in a week.

Listening to "The Element of Freedom" by Alicia Keys and it's mostly about love. I can relate to pretty much every song. But what I'm trying to understand is, is she saying that love is equated to freedom? When it's so true, so pure, so selfless, is that the same as being free? In a way, I agree, if that's the message she's trying to put out. But when things get in the way, love can make you feel like a prisoner in a number of ways. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings, binding you to that one person. Love is beautiful but ugly at the same time.

And what's funny is that I'm starting to realize and experience both sides of it.

Question

Why is it possible to feel lonely in a relationship?

and

What do you do to fix that?

I know I won't get any answers because no one reads this, but I want to put it out there. When it's true love, it's two souls joined together as one but latley I've been feeling like it's just me.

What To Do

We ended the break on Thursday.

We were cool until yesterday evening.

We got into another fight.

It transpired into today (right now).

I've come to the conclusion that expressing how I feel, telling him what bothers me and pouring my heart out to him only causes us more fights.

So I've decided to go into regression and hold EVERYTHING in, not tell him how I feel and do whatever he says.

Lets see if it works.

Emotions

When it comes to my feelings/emotions, I'm so bi-polar. Up and down, like a roller coaster.

I feel like the dude now. Sitting here, wishing to get that old thing back, wanting to do everything in my power to make things right again.

I'll be honest, I don't know exactly what I want right now. The things I've been doing is on impulse, I guess you can say.

We definitely need to talk. But I think we need this break; to think and take a breather.

I feel so lonely right now. Maybe I deserve to feel this way.

For A Week

Me and HIM are on a break for a week. We got into an argument on Sunday and it has started since then. I won't front, I miss him, but I'm not sure how he feels. Maybe he feels free, no ties to him so he can move how he wants, do what he wants. I can't get mad at anything that goes down because we're not together at this point and time. When I called my mom yesterday morning, she said I sounded depressed. I think it was because of the break and other thigns that were happening at the moment. I woke up today and felt the same as I did on Monday. Do I feel this way because I know we're not together (as a couple)? Maybe because I feel incomplete/lonely. I haven't been single in about 3 years so this a fairly new feeling. I do wonder what he's doing on my free time.



I called my crush last night and we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. We're supposed to be linking up either Thursday or Friday. I like him, but it's to the point where I want to know more about him. I honestly don't know what he thinks of me. I get the feeling that he's digging the idea of me but I'ld like to hear him tell me.



I told him that I'll hit him up next week. I signed off AIM, being that I stayed on to speak to him. Deep down, I want him to try to contact me and show me that he wants me as much as he says he does. The type of person I am, you have to show AND prove to me what you're saying. Your words can only get you so far, but when the action follows through, you got me. I don't know. Knowing Kevin, he's gonna give me my space. Yes, give me my space, but don't act like you don't care. Do I make any sense? I hit him up yesterday to see if he was ok from a tweet he made. I'm showing I care but falling back at the same time. I'm in the middle right now. I'm thinking if I still want to be in a relationship with him or do I want to break up for good.

Fight #

5

-_-

Take A Break

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years and I have been getting into a lot of fights lately. I think we've gotten into about 3-5 fights since I've been home and I've been home since May 11. He asked me if I want a break maybe 3 times from those fights and I tell him I want to be with him, but after this fight we just got into, I'm starting to really think, "Maybe we should take a break."

I'm looking at other guys, crushing on a couple. But you shouldn't end a relationship based off of a crush, I'm not dumb. But I'm thinking about my career and I don't want to be held back by a relationship. 

I also think about the other fish in the sea. I know there's a whole school of fish out there. I have a good guy who could be great, but what if there's better out there for me?

My mind is all over the place. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this and how I'm feeling because no one I know is in a relationship as deep as mine. Well, now that I'm thinking, I do have one person. I guess I should call her up. I know I have to express this to someone else, especially someone who's in a relationship.

::sighs::

New Year, New Start

You definitely don't have to wait until a new year to have a new start, but why not? lol

I'm nervous to start this semester. I haven't felt this way about classes since Fall 07 when I was a freshman, lol. I got alot going on, a lot to ride and I'm just going to keep it positive. I also hope I get a refund check, oooooohhh WEE, that would be a treat, lol. I wouldn't even use it on myself though, I would get books and pay off my phone bill with it. But still, it would go to good use.

I came up with an idea for Kevin's birthday, lol. It's in June but I do need all that time to prepare. I'm not even gonna unravel it for yall, I gotta keep it a secret, lol. But each year, I do it bigger. For his 20th, I bought him his favorite, an ice cream cake, I took him out to dinner and I treated him to a movie. For his 21st, I threw him a surprise get together. For the 22nd, use your imagination, lol.

I'm feeling cool, just taking everything one day at a time. That's the most I can do :)