My Life As I See It

Going in on an article or 2 for the day, joking and chatting with my co-workers, talking about the newest hot song from whatever artist is on the come up, jamming to music, a celebrity or two walking through the hallways, big blow up of the latest issue on the office wall, in a meeting where we're all bouncing ideas off of each other and cutting up with my new found family.

Around 5,6PM, a couple of us hit up a local bar and are just being silly but I leave early to make it to my Brooklyn loft with my fiance waiting for me :)

Randomness

I want to be left alone for a while and go away. Travel to different cities and embark on different things. That would be cool. No time for that though. 1 more year left of school so I gotta bang it out. Got my last perm in March. My last perm was going to be in May but I'm deciding on starting the natural process now. Going to get my first weave for my birthday. I need more clothes. I'm pretty casual when it comes to wears but I want to change it up, be a bit more versatile. But I have responsible things to do with my money so shopping frivilously isn't really an option. I want to do something new. Try new foods, go new places, cook new things, meet new people. I actually want new people to hang with, but that's hard to find. I'm ready for a positive change in my life, long story short.

I'm supposed to be doing an article but I have to get these thoughts out.

I just realized something; I don't have any friends that are/will be into the things I am. My best friend is a mom to my handsome godson, my other friend is pregnant, I can only drink with my other best friend, my Howard bestie will be boo'd up when we graduate and she has mad friends at HU so I can't hang with her often.

I like to party, go to bashments and wine up. I like to smoke. I like to chill. My best friend who is my godson's mom, that was my ace. Bashments, we was in there. But now she's a mommy so she can't attend every event. There is only one person who is into the things I previously listed and we don't talk anymore.

All I got is my boo and I don't wanna depend on him. Is my "social" life really over? People are becoming moms, getting into serious relationships. I mean, I've been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years but I always did my thing on the side.

I would make new friends, but that's hard.

You Gotta Believe

My mom and my sister were here a couple of hours ago, helping me move in my stuff so now my room is 80% complete.

Yesterdat was such a LONG day, I was on campus from 12 pm to 6:45 pm, going back and forth, up and down the hills to get things done. Long story short, I'M BACK BABY! I am again, a student at Howard University and I couldn't be any happier. I have all the classes I need, I don't owe the school money, talk about Ws all around.

I try not to be preachy because everyone isn't a believer. I prayed about it, thought positive thoughts about. Every time I went to campus, I spoke to everyone politely, smiled, I was polite and I kept my spirits up. It worked. When something is for you, you know it.

Positivity

I believe when one good thing happens, other good things will soon follow.

With that being saaiiid...I found a place to live! So happy, lol

Next to be conqured: school situation

Keep you posted.

Move Forward

The last post I wrote, I was going through something. ::sighs:: I'm better now. Stress and me worrying got the best of me.

School is approaching and I will be back at Howard. I'm ready. Currently looking for a place to live but I will get that situatated before classes begin.

I'm sure when I return, things will be different. I feel like I'm a loner. The majority of my followers on twitter are Howard University students and they all pretty much know each other, especially students within the same class. I don't really have a lot of people I can call friends there and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel left out and I've always felt that way, since high school. Everyone wants to belong, of course, but I just want to be included, thought of. I'm certain that I don't cross people's minds as someone to hang out with. I'm basically invisible on campus, in my opnion. It's too late for me to make new friends beause everyone is either 1) about to graduate or 2) already clique'd up.

I will focus on my school work, but when I want to hang out and release, I don't have much of a selection.

Green Grass

For the last... 2 years, I've been through a lot of ups and downs and it seems like they just keep on coming.

With anything I ever had, I had to bust my ass to get it.

My senior year of high school, I went through it without my family, worked hard to get good grades and to get accepted into the college of my dreams.

Since my second year of college, I've been doing my hardest to at least pass majority of my classes.

Last year, I went through the 1st half of my third year with little to no food, no money, trying to get by in my classes, crying 3-4 times a week.

I had no job for majority of this summer, so I was broke like a joke. My main thing this summer was to get a job and stack heavy so I could find a place to live off campus and not have to relive what I went through. I went HARD looking for a job and eventually, I found one.

I took the semseter off to get my money up and I did, but now I have no place to live and school starts on the 11th. So I have about less than 2 weeks to find a place to live.

Fuck it, people I know do have it better and way fucking easier than I have. I work so fucking hard and go through so much for EVERYTHING I have. Other people's lawns look way better than mine.

The only thing I want is to steadily get through life with minimal curveballs. I feel like I can't deal with this, but I have no choice but to.

Birds of A Feather

This is not about what you may think it'll be about.

I've recently saw a tweet from Tyrese saying, "So ALL of these moves I'm making is surrounding myself with Billionaires and really successful people.. So that I BECOME THEM!! You ARE the company you KEEP.. You keeping fucking with Thousandaires that's all you will EVER BE..!! " (This is word for word, btw)

Which leads me to the purpose of my entry. I love music. I'm in school for journalism. So don't I hang out with people who have similar intersts as myself? What I got from that tweet was that, I need to surround myself with journalists, people who have similar goals as me. To fuel and encourage the "fire" inside of me, I should be working with people who have the same hunger as me, who are grinding to get what they want. Funny thing is, THOSE people have realized it already. I've noticed that most of the popular journalists on my campus hang around each other, they know each other, have worked with each other. See the common thread in this?

The other side to this : music. I can sing, I choose not to. But when I riff and harmonize and hit a note perfectly, it sounds ILL to me, I get excited. I know people who can BLOW, people who deserve recognition. When I get around my friends from H.S. and we go back and forth with singing and stuff, it's so carefree and child-like, in a way. Like you're doing something that you love to do and no one can tell you anything because you're so into it and they see what it gives you. Will I do something with my voice? Not sure. I do know that I would like to explore with it, but I have to build my confidence a bit more. I'm WAY better than I was a year or 2 ago, lol. The thing that makes me hesitant about it is that I don't want anyone to say "You can't sing," when deep down, I know I have a voice.

Feelings Pt.2

Ok, so I gave in and played the game, lol

But I didn't give many people a number to write about me; I wrote about people instead. I rather do that than read what people have to say about me. That's the humble part of me.

Feelings

Facebook has been getting people into they feelings lately, lol. Seriously.

This is like the 2nd game within a month where you have to tell someone how you feel about them. Do you really need that person's validation and do you really care THAT much about what the person thinks of you and has to say about you? If they wanted to tell you those things, they would've said it. Fuck a game, fuck a fad, fuck the bullshit.

Honestly, I don't participate in that fuckery because I could care less about what people think of me. You want to tell me how you feel about me, come out and say it. It's funny how people are like, "I don't care about what people think or say about me", yet, you do so much to be down and please others when you don't even know who YOU are.

Am I going in? I don't think so. In the end, I have to live with my decisions, my actions, myself. So you can say and think what you want about me, but I'm gonna do things for me. You confused about me, want some clarification on some things? I don't mind telling you, if you ask. But I'm definitely not going out of my way for you to express your feelings about me. It's lame.

Getting Back

The last post I wrote, it was around Thanskgiving. Got to see my family and I wasn't on the computer the whole time. I definitely needed that.

Ok, so, it's December and crunch time is approaching; finals, papers, projects. For me, it's back to school and I still have things to get together. One of the things I hate about being a procrastinator. I still got shit to sort out with school, I'm waiting to hear about the house I saw last month, I gotta rent a car to move my things from Delaware to D.C., register for classes, a lot of things. I feel a bit unprepared and overwhelemed ::sighs:: BUT, everything will work out. I fully believe that.

I do miss Howard, the people, the atmosphere and the events, but I don't miss the bullshit that comes along with it. I know when I go back, there will be some people I won't be hanging out with. Nothing personal, shit happens. I do miss being in school. While I was there, I lost sight of why I was there and that can happen. When I come back January 2011, I will have my mind right and will buss everything out. I know what needs to be done.

Yeah, I'm not graduating May 2011, I've finally come to terms with that (as long as that took). Everyone does things in their own time, at their own pace. At least I'm still in school and closer to graduation than some people. There are people that are still in college with freshman credits. Not knocking them, but hey, I got the leg up.

I'm ready; ready to come back, excell in school and get it together so I can get my career together.

Taking a break from some things.

I need to detach myself from the social world for a little bit to get my mind together.

I've been feeling out of it and this time with my family should help me get back into the normal swing of things.

Sometimes, you need to step back for a while to make sure you have yourself in tact.

Alone

No matter what anyone tells me, I'm a firm believer that I am alone. Not one person will be there for you when you need them, how you need them, at least not often. I had a conversation last night with someone who said I need to stop pushing them away and let them help me, but where was this person today? Dealing with their own issues.

I don't have a problem with that. I feel like if you want to help me take on my situations, you're going to have to be able to handle both your situations and mine.

Are there people that are there for me? Kind of. But sometimes you want someone that experienced what you're dealing with, rather than someone who understands from you telling them. There's only so much you can understand through expression.

I feel a little overwhelemed because I have a lot to do in a matter of 2 months and then it's back to my life in D.C.; that's a completely different type of being alone but I won't touch on that.

I should enjoy my time in New York and deal with these issues instead of letting them attack me from left and right. I know what I need to do. The only thing holding me back is my negativity and the past. But it's the past, it happened already. I have the power to not let it happen again. And where is negativity going to get me?

::Sighs:: Note to self: just do it

Random Ramble

It's hard to stick with something that you know can be great, but at it's current time, it's not enough to make you want to stick with it.

Not sure if that made sense.

I must be doing or did something wrong, karma coming back to me or something. I feel like I did something wrong. I know I can do better with certain things in my life but what; what am I doing to get the treatment I've been getting?

You can't know the answer to everything and that's one of my issues; I want to know the reason for everything the moment I ask why. Funny thing, I know that I won't get the answers when I want them, or even at all. Yet, I still demand them.

Out Of The Ordinary

I'm still feeling defeated at the fact that I'm not in school.

I like my job, get paid every week and I get along with all my coworkers. It's still taking me a while to get used to the fact that :

1 - I'm not in school

AND

2 - I won't be graduating in May 2011

I'm still confused about what I want to do with my life. Maybe this break will help me do that. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head about it, but what's done is done. I just have to work OD and stack this paper

I Understand

completely why people don't want to get into a relationship.

Your heart and emotions are thrown like caution to the wind. There's always a risk you're taking. Then as the relationship goes on, you see who someone truly is, how they act, all that stuff. You gotta deal with the bullshit they bring and their issues, along with yours. You have to "trust" and you have to "believe" their word and their actions. But when they don't follow through, on more than one occassion, that "trust" and "belief" begins to slowly fade away. And then what? This shit is not easy, at all. It only gets harder as the months and years pass by. When you get to 2, 3, 4 years, you wonder if this relationship was beneficial or detrimental to you as a whole.

Too many things to think about and take into consideration.

First Day Of Clases...Wait...What?

So today is the first day of classes at Howard University and I follow quite a few of their students. At this moment right now, I won't front, I'm a bit sick about it, lol. I'm seeing tweets like:

"It's the beginning to an end"

"S/O to #2011"

"We almost out of here"

And even though I am happy for the people that are ACTUALLY seniors and that will ACTUALLY graduate, there's something inside of me that feels like a failure. I'm here in New York, working while my peers are in D.C., on the road to graduation. People go at their own pace, I know, but it's taking me a while to accept it.

I wonder if people will wonder why I'm not there. Not that I care, but I already have the idea in my head about the people I used to be cool with and I'm pretty sure they won't even notice. If they ask me about my whereabouts, they're getting straight ignored, because they never gave a damn before, so why the hell you trying to be concerned now? Yall just being nosy, at this point and I won't give them the satisfation.

My new expected graduation date is 2012. As long as I graduate, right?

Switch It Up

Since my last post, things have been looking up.

Kevin and I haven't fought. It's been almost a week since our last fight and we're good, back to normal, I would say.

I've been going IN on the job search; 47 jobs in 4 days. I know, I don't play, lol. Had a couple of interviews and I start training for one job on Saturday so, YAY HOORAY YIPPEE for me! lol. Depending on how demanding this job will be, I'll most likely look for another job in a couple weeks.

I feel more like myself and I'm trying not to stress myself out by overthinking things; I try to think of how blessed I am as opposed to what I don't have. Things should be good from here on out.

I haven't been this consistantly unhappy since probably junior high school when I was going through some personal stuff. It was kind of a dark time for me then.

Today's weather depicts me quite perfectly.

Rain = tears

Grey skies = how I feel inside

Changes

So, I'm highly considering taking off a semester of school. Well, I'm going to do it, I already made that decision. I have NO money for a place to live and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so, so I believe my best bet is to take off school. I'm currently searching high and low for a job that I can work for my time in NY. Starting today, I'm going to apply to jobs every single day. I'm giving myself til mid-September and then if things don't go according to plan, I'm going to go to Delaware. I think it's the best choice for me right now.

I haven't told Kevin what I'm going to do and I'm not sure if I will. I don't know, we've been up and down a lot lately and I'm not sure how my decision will affect him. I don't want him to lose focus of school and possible work because I'm home longer than usual. If he knew I was home and I didn't tell him, he would probably get mad. It's already an issue that we hardly see each other, but when I work and he has school and work, it'll most likely put more of a strain on our relationship.

I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be comfortable living my life and I'm not. I'm trying very hard to build my patience and positivity. I hope it's working and being noticed.