My Life As I See It

Going in on an article or 2 for the day, joking and chatting with my co-workers, talking about the newest hot song from whatever artist is on the come up, jamming to music, a celebrity or two walking through the hallways, big blow up of the latest issue on the office wall, in a meeting where we're all bouncing ideas off of each other and cutting up with my new found family.

Around 5,6PM, a couple of us hit up a local bar and are just being silly but I leave early to make it to my Brooklyn loft with my fiance waiting for me :)

Randomness

I want to be left alone for a while and go away. Travel to different cities and embark on different things. That would be cool. No time for that though. 1 more year left of school so I gotta bang it out. Got my last perm in March. My last perm was going to be in May but I'm deciding on starting the natural process now. Going to get my first weave for my birthday. I need more clothes. I'm pretty casual when it comes to wears but I want to change it up, be a bit more versatile. But I have responsible things to do with my money so shopping frivilously isn't really an option. I want to do something new. Try new foods, go new places, cook new things, meet new people. I actually want new people to hang with, but that's hard to find. I'm ready for a positive change in my life, long story short.

One of my favorite pictures of us. One of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I love this dude so effin much. That's my babe right there.

I'm supposed to be doing an article but I have to get these thoughts out.

I just realized something; I don't have any friends that are/will be into the things I am. My best friend is a mom to my handsome godson, my other friend is pregnant, I can only drink with my other best friend, my Howard bestie will be boo'd up when we graduate and she has mad friends at HU so I can't hang with her often.

I like to party, go to bashments and wine up. I like to smoke. I like to chill. My best friend who is my godson's mom, that was my ace. Bashments, we was in there. But now she's a mommy so she can't attend every event. There is only one person who is into the things I previously listed and we don't talk anymore.

All I got is my boo and I don't wanna depend on him. Is my "social" life really over? People are becoming moms, getting into serious relationships. I mean, I've been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years but I always did my thing on the side.

I would make new friends, but that's hard.

Ms.Solo Dolo

I continue to write about this subject because it bothers me lol.

I've accepted that I will never be in the loop at Howard. I will never be in the Howard bubble. When ppl mass txt about a kickback or crazy house party, I'll never receive that txt.

I'm very under the radar. I have close to no "friends" here, but associates and I don't even really associate myself with them. The way I feel about it, I'm not gonna beg for friends or for people to hang out with me. I'm a great person, I know that. Whoever doesn't want to hang out with me, that's a major loss on your part, seriously.

TLK, Wass dat? #fam, wass dat? That shit is the pitts lol.

All I'm gonna do is focus on my school shit and graduating in May 2012.

The Strike is Over

Kevin hit me up Tuesday night. We spoke and it was still a bit tense. After talking for 3 days, we're good now. I'm so proud of myself for sticking to my guns.

I'll be going home next week and I can not wait. I haven't seen him in a month and this trip will help to make the distance we've had between us; it will also help until he comes to D.C. , which is the trip we are mostly looking forward to. I'm going to get as much work done as I can this week so I can have a little break when I go home.

Going Natural?

I believe that since "Good Hair" was released 2 years ago, there has been a major shift of women going from relaxed hair to natural hair. I have a number of friends who have gone natural, some who still straighten it, some who keep it in it's natural state. My best friend even has dreads. 2 of my good friends from high scool are natural. In mid-late 2009, I was going through some personal and financial issues, which didn't allow me to indulge in my normal luxuries (i.e. going home every month, getting my hair relaxed every month). My perm was growing out and my true hair texture was beginning to reveal itself. It was so wavy and curly, I loved it. What I DIDN'T love, was that as I straightened my edges/roots to match with my permed hair, it looked weird and I wasn't comfortable at all. By early 2010, my luck changed and I was able to do the things I normally did. For about 8 months, I didn't get a perm and when I got the first chance to go home last February, I gave in and got a perm.

Since that "relapse", I get a perm every 1 1/2 to 2 months and I since I was used to letting my hair grow out, I'm used to prolonging the next time until I get my touch up.

I'm a bit of a vain person, I will not front. I'm very consious of my apperance. I'm newly beginning to be comfortable with myself and embracing myself and my beauty. Doing the big chop (BC) in a short period of time is not going to be in my journey because extremely short hair does not look good on me, I know that for a fact.

It was easier for me to start growing my hair out in that time period because it was colder and people wear hats, so you can simply throw a hat on and be on your merry way without thinking about how your hair really looks. So the question is: will I be going natural again? Yes I will, but I'm not sure when. I know it will be some time between this year and next year. I'm doing my research now so I can know what to do during this process. My natural hair was about the length of my hair now, a bit longer and I kind of wish my mom didn't let me get a perm. My hair was always braided into styles, since I was about 3, 4 years old. I got a perm when I was 15, so for 6 years, I've had a perm. Not as long as the average girl, but still long enough. My hair was long and full when it was natural and I'm ready to have that back and more.

Eventually, I'm going to get dreads so I have to go natural to achieve that. I recently watched this girl's twist out tutorial and her hair is GORGEOUS. Her hair was naturally long already but imagine how long my hair could have been if I never would have gotten a perm. Can't dwell on the past, have to move on and start from today. Most likely, I'll start my process in September/October of this year. So my last perm will be in May. I'm excited to see how far I can go with it and see if I can finally break free of the creamy crack.

Day 2

It wasn't as easy as yesterday, but I'm ok. I got a little sad earlier but I feel like if I keep myself busy, my mind won't be on the fact that we're on the outs. I'm usually the one that gives in but I refuse to do it. If we don't talk for a week, we don't talk for a week. That's on him.

The booski and I got into a fight last night and I guess we're not talking right now. Suprisingly, I'm doing well. I'm usually sad and all mopey but I'm feeling good, regardless of what's going on between us right now. I'm tired of the bullshit, I don't want to deal with it anymore. When you have your shit together and come correct, get back at me. So as of now, I'm not hitting him up. You did the crime, now pay the time. I'm waiting on him to come to me. Day 1 went smoothly, we'll see how long this lasts.

Things are so hard when you have no friends to confide in and one of your best friends is your partner. So when they're fucking up, who are you supposed to talk to now?

::sighs:: I give up. I'm not reach out to anyone here anymore. Imma be on my school shit, heavy. I'll only concern myself of school, family, my friends at home and my relationship

When I first got into this relationship with my boyfriend, it didn't cross my mind that there would be times that I'm going to be ridiculously lonely without him. It also didn't cross my mind that there would be times where we won't see each other for months at a time. We're going through something right now. He's working now, about to start school. I'm in D.C. for school, about to start working; we've never been this busy simultaneously. It was either we were both at school or I was was working and going to school and he was taking a break from school. It's hard for me to deal with because I don't know when I'm going to see him again and I have to get used to the fact that we're apart again. He said he's trying to figure out a way to get here and that he has to handle some things first before he can make this trip.

::sighs:: I just want him here but at the same time, I don't want him to make a decision that may jeopardize his job.


I WANT MY BABY

You Gotta Believe

My mom and my sister were here a couple of hours ago, helping me move in my stuff so now my room is 80% complete.

Yesterdat was such a LONG day, I was on campus from 12 pm to 6:45 pm, going back and forth, up and down the hills to get things done. Long story short, I'M BACK BABY! I am again, a student at Howard University and I couldn't be any happier. I have all the classes I need, I don't owe the school money, talk about Ws all around.

I try not to be preachy because everyone isn't a believer. I prayed about it, thought positive thoughts about. Every time I went to campus, I spoke to everyone politely, smiled, I was polite and I kept my spirits up. It worked. When something is for you, you know it.

I've been in D.C. for 2 days and I feel so alone. I HATE that feeling. Yeah, I have my family, I have my friends and I have Kevin but I'm still by myself. I don't know why I'm so upset while I write this but I am

Positivity

I believe when one good thing happens, other good things will soon follow.

With that being saaiiid...I found a place to live! So happy, lol

Next to be conqured: school situation

Keep you posted.

Move Forward

The last post I wrote, I was going through something. ::sighs:: I'm better now. Stress and me worrying got the best of me.

School is approaching and I will be back at Howard. I'm ready. Currently looking for a place to live but I will get that situatated before classes begin.

I'm sure when I return, things will be different. I feel like I'm a loner. The majority of my followers on twitter are Howard University students and they all pretty much know each other, especially students within the same class. I don't really have a lot of people I can call friends there and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel left out and I've always felt that way, since high school. Everyone wants to belong, of course, but I just want to be included, thought of. I'm certain that I don't cross people's minds as someone to hang out with. I'm basically invisible on campus, in my opnion. It's too late for me to make new friends beause everyone is either 1) about to graduate or 2) already clique'd up.

I will focus on my school work, but when I want to hang out and release, I don't have much of a selection.

Green Grass

For the last... 2 years, I've been through a lot of ups and downs and it seems like they just keep on coming.

With anything I ever had, I had to bust my ass to get it.

My senior year of high school, I went through it without my family, worked hard to get good grades and to get accepted into the college of my dreams.

Since my second year of college, I've been doing my hardest to at least pass majority of my classes.

Last year, I went through the 1st half of my third year with little to no food, no money, trying to get by in my classes, crying 3-4 times a week.

I had no job for majority of this summer, so I was broke like a joke. My main thing this summer was to get a job and stack heavy so I could find a place to live off campus and not have to relive what I went through. I went HARD looking for a job and eventually, I found one.

I took the semseter off to get my money up and I did, but now I have no place to live and school starts on the 11th. So I have about less than 2 weeks to find a place to live.

Fuck it, people I know do have it better and way fucking easier than I have. I work so fucking hard and go through so much for EVERYTHING I have. Other people's lawns look way better than mine.

The only thing I want is to steadily get through life with minimal curveballs. I feel like I can't deal with this, but I have no choice but to.

What To Do?

I have a friend, who I love very dearly. When we first met we couldn't STAND each other, but as time progressed and we got to know each other, we became friends and then best friends. We hung out ALL the time, I attended numerous family functions, supported her with a lot of thing, we did a lot of things together.. I did something wrong and haven't apologized for it yet. Now there's tension between us and I don't want there to be. I still want to be best friends with her and I know I have to apologize to her. The type of person she is, it's "shoot first, ask questions later." I've put off this apology because of that and by doing so, I might have made matters worse. Now she's home for winter break and I really want to speak to her but I'm a hesitant. What should I do?



Sidenote: I know no one will answer me. I had to get it out.

What I Want

And to think, I was going to delete my blogspot. Psshhh, I'm buggin'. This is one of the only things I can come to when no one (wants to) listen. A real human being would be great, but I have no one around so blogspot, you'll have to do.

Sooooooo, I'm going back to D.C. at the top of the new year, which is no more than 2 weeks away. I want to see as much people as I can before I go and one of those people is my boyfriend, Kevin. You guys may remember him, the only dude I talk about here. Anyway, I've been in New York since May and we've spent the most time together since we've been a couple (as soon as we got together, I went off to college, leaving us in a long distance relationship). Each day we've spent together has been wonderful, but now that the time for me to leave draws close, our plans always seem to get fucked up. It makes me really upset because I believe that he should spend as much time with me as he can. He makes somewhat of an effort, but I want more. I want things to go my way. When we say we're gonna hang with each other, that's it, no interruptions, no wrench in the plans, no nothing; just me, you, and the plans we made. It seems to be easier said than done. The reason we probably won't be seeing each other later today is because of this side job he does periodically. You're getting some type of money, ok, I shouldn't knock you, but understand how that's making me feel. Understand that there has been something that has allowed us to not do what we planned since late November.

I believe that I am a very understanding girlfriend. I let him hang with his friends, I hold him down when he needs to be held down, I'm there for him when he needs and/or wants it, when shit doesn't go our way, I help come to a mutual agreement, but I'm tired of doing that. Why can't things happen the way I want them to happen?

I can't even get my thoughts together because I'm so flustered by what's happening. I want to scream, kick, curse, and cry. My emotions are getting the best of me (time of the month). I want what I want and that's it.

Birds of A Feather

This is not about what you may think it'll be about.

I've recently saw a tweet from Tyrese saying, "So ALL of these moves I'm making is surrounding myself with Billionaires and really successful people.. So that I BECOME THEM!! You ARE the company you KEEP.. You keeping fucking with Thousandaires that's all you will EVER BE..!! " (This is word for word, btw)

Which leads me to the purpose of my entry. I love music. I'm in school for journalism. So don't I hang out with people who have similar intersts as myself? What I got from that tweet was that, I need to surround myself with journalists, people who have similar goals as me. To fuel and encourage the "fire" inside of me, I should be working with people who have the same hunger as me, who are grinding to get what they want. Funny thing is, THOSE people have realized it already. I've noticed that most of the popular journalists on my campus hang around each other, they know each other, have worked with each other. See the common thread in this?

The other side to this : music. I can sing, I choose not to. But when I riff and harmonize and hit a note perfectly, it sounds ILL to me, I get excited. I know people who can BLOW, people who deserve recognition. When I get around my friends from H.S. and we go back and forth with singing and stuff, it's so carefree and child-like, in a way. Like you're doing something that you love to do and no one can tell you anything because you're so into it and they see what it gives you. Will I do something with my voice? Not sure. I do know that I would like to explore with it, but I have to build my confidence a bit more. I'm WAY better than I was a year or 2 ago, lol. The thing that makes me hesitant about it is that I don't want anyone to say "You can't sing," when deep down, I know I have a voice.