C.R.E.A.M.

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M. Get the money, dolla, dolla bills y'all" - Wu-Tang Clan

I try my very hardest to not let money rule or run my life. Lets face it, you need money to survive. I know that.

Currently, I'm out of a job and I've been coping with it ok. Of course it gets annoying and irritating when you can't go anywhere, let alone buy food for yourself when you're hungry but I deal. The one thing that peeves me though is that people aren't mindful or sensitive to my situation. People want me to go out with them, people want me to partake in events with them, people want me to get a cell phone.

I want to do all of that too, but I can't at the time. If you want me to do these things so much, THEN GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY FOR IT. If not, shut the fuck up.

That is all

What To Do

We ended the break on Thursday.

We were cool until yesterday evening.

We got into another fight.

It transpired into today (right now).

I've come to the conclusion that expressing how I feel, telling him what bothers me and pouring my heart out to him only causes us more fights.

So I've decided to go into regression and hold EVERYTHING in, not tell him how I feel and do whatever he says.

Lets see if it works.

Emotions

When it comes to my feelings/emotions, I'm so bi-polar. Up and down, like a roller coaster.

I feel like the dude now. Sitting here, wishing to get that old thing back, wanting to do everything in my power to make things right again.

I'll be honest, I don't know exactly what I want right now. The things I've been doing is on impulse, I guess you can say.

We definitely need to talk. But I think we need this break; to think and take a breather.

I feel so lonely right now. Maybe I deserve to feel this way.

For A Week

Me and HIM are on a break for a week. We got into an argument on Sunday and it has started since then. I won't front, I miss him, but I'm not sure how he feels. Maybe he feels free, no ties to him so he can move how he wants, do what he wants. I can't get mad at anything that goes down because we're not together at this point and time. When I called my mom yesterday morning, she said I sounded depressed. I think it was because of the break and other thigns that were happening at the moment. I woke up today and felt the same as I did on Monday. Do I feel this way because I know we're not together (as a couple)? Maybe because I feel incomplete/lonely. I haven't been single in about 3 years so this a fairly new feeling. I do wonder what he's doing on my free time.



I called my crush last night and we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. We're supposed to be linking up either Thursday or Friday. I like him, but it's to the point where I want to know more about him. I honestly don't know what he thinks of me. I get the feeling that he's digging the idea of me but I'ld like to hear him tell me.



I told him that I'll hit him up next week. I signed off AIM, being that I stayed on to speak to him. Deep down, I want him to try to contact me and show me that he wants me as much as he says he does. The type of person I am, you have to show AND prove to me what you're saying. Your words can only get you so far, but when the action follows through, you got me. I don't know. Knowing Kevin, he's gonna give me my space. Yes, give me my space, but don't act like you don't care. Do I make any sense? I hit him up yesterday to see if he was ok from a tweet he made. I'm showing I care but falling back at the same time. I'm in the middle right now. I'm thinking if I still want to be in a relationship with him or do I want to break up for good.

Quick Vent

Imma vent a lil bit. Can't tweet, got twitter watchers, lol. And no one really reads the blog, so yes! sanctuary, lol. Nothing serious, just a lil something.

Today is this boy's birthday and I guess his ex tweeted a birthday tweet and he was like, "Awww, don't be like that, big thanks, you know I appreciate it." Nigga what? The fuck you appreciating? Now me, I have to do certain things to not feel jealous, like make new friends. This is not out of spite. I'm trying this new thing, where I don't get mad so easily and take everything to the heart and for that to happen, I have to occupy myself and my mind. If I'm occupied, I wont have the time to think about lil fuckery like that.

I'm good though.

Fight #

5

-_-

Take A Break

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years and I have been getting into a lot of fights lately. I think we've gotten into about 3-5 fights since I've been home and I've been home since May 11. He asked me if I want a break maybe 3 times from those fights and I tell him I want to be with him, but after this fight we just got into, I'm starting to really think, "Maybe we should take a break."

I'm looking at other guys, crushing on a couple. But you shouldn't end a relationship based off of a crush, I'm not dumb. But I'm thinking about my career and I don't want to be held back by a relationship. 

I also think about the other fish in the sea. I know there's a whole school of fish out there. I have a good guy who could be great, but what if there's better out there for me?

My mind is all over the place. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this and how I'm feeling because no one I know is in a relationship as deep as mine. Well, now that I'm thinking, I do have one person. I guess I should call her up. I know I have to express this to someone else, especially someone who's in a relationship.

::sighs::