I Miss

the hugs. the random kisses. him slipping his arm around my waist while we're walking. his laugh. his smile. holding his hand. him holding me from behind. him telling me he loves me first. HIM.

::sighs:: I hate being mushy and emotional sometimes but that's just who I am.

Supposed to hang out tomorrow, like we were supposed to on Tuesday. If all the things listed above happens, it'll solidify my reassurance. I need that old thing back or at least the closest thing to it.

Feeling Like

I'm in a long distance relationship when we're in the same state, same city, 30-45 minutes away from each other on foot.

I haven't seen him in a week and the week before that I haven't seen him in a week.

Listening to "The Element of Freedom" by Alicia Keys and it's mostly about love. I can relate to pretty much every song. But what I'm trying to understand is, is she saying that love is equated to freedom? When it's so true, so pure, so selfless, is that the same as being free? In a way, I agree, if that's the message she's trying to put out. But when things get in the way, love can make you feel like a prisoner in a number of ways. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings, binding you to that one person. Love is beautiful but ugly at the same time.

And what's funny is that I'm starting to realize and experience both sides of it.

Question

Why is it possible to feel lonely in a relationship?

and

What do you do to fix that?

I know I won't get any answers because no one reads this, but I want to put it out there. When it's true love, it's two souls joined together as one but latley I've been feeling like it's just me.

I Was Thinking

and I'm too careful, too cautious, too thoughtful.

I'm about to put some things on the back burner, seeing as what I'm putting into it, I'm not getting out the same amount. So my family, career, school, work, that's going into the forefront. Everything/one else is going to the back. Nobody and nothing can fulfill me or make me feel some type of complete like those 4 things I listed.

I'm going to do things for me. Not me and such and such, just ME. I don't have a child, I don't have to provide for them and ensure that they're taken care of properly. I don't have a husband. I don't have anyone to share my life with right now. I don't have people depending on me, but myself and I come first.

Random Rant

Life.

We question it constantly. We don't just live, we have to know the answer to everything, the purpose for this, the reason for that. I hold myself accountable of doing that.

What's life without pain? Struggle? Making mistakes? Would that even be classified as such?

I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone, in everything I do. I know, life is hard, some have it harder than others. But for me, I don't want to go through this anymore. But I feel like I have to, if I want to continue "living."

It's kind of hard to live a completly different way from what you're used to; just let things happen as opposed to trying to control all the aspects of your life.

I'm kind of on a rant. I'm trying to see the silver lining in it all.

C.R.E.A.M.

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M. Get the money, dolla, dolla bills y'all" - Wu-Tang Clan

I try my very hardest to not let money rule or run my life. Lets face it, you need money to survive. I know that.

Currently, I'm out of a job and I've been coping with it ok. Of course it gets annoying and irritating when you can't go anywhere, let alone buy food for yourself when you're hungry but I deal. The one thing that peeves me though is that people aren't mindful or sensitive to my situation. People want me to go out with them, people want me to partake in events with them, people want me to get a cell phone.

I want to do all of that too, but I can't at the time. If you want me to do these things so much, THEN GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY FOR IT. If not, shut the fuck up.

That is all

What To Do

We ended the break on Thursday.

We were cool until yesterday evening.

We got into another fight.

It transpired into today (right now).

I've come to the conclusion that expressing how I feel, telling him what bothers me and pouring my heart out to him only causes us more fights.

So I've decided to go into regression and hold EVERYTHING in, not tell him how I feel and do whatever he says.

Lets see if it works.